JERSEY SHORE – 9/9/11

Written by:
Jason Rappo

We start off with Mike complaining about his injury. You know the one he obtained in his head by ramming his hands into a wall. “I learned don’t ever ram your head into a wall in Italy because they’re made entirely out of brick and mortar.” Well duh. What do you think the walls are made out of in America? Marshmallows? You laugh but those could actually be very dangerous to Mike. If he rammed his hands too hard into a wall full of marshmallows on a hot sweaty day, they might get stuck and he wouldn’t be able to fist bump again until he called Deena to help eat his way out of there.

Ron wakes Sammy up to tell her he wants to talk later when she gets up. Does she really have to get out of bed for that? Couldn’t she just watch last week’s episode of Jersey Shore on her DVR later to see it? Mike makes a phone call to…OMG MY FORMER SIXTH GRADE CLASSMATE AND HIS SISTER, MELISSA! I just know one of these days she’s going to come on this show and mention her times at Pine Brook Elementary School. She’s probably bragging to all her friends now that, that quiet kid who sat in the corner of her sixth grade class is writing the best damn Jersey Shore blog on the internet.

Meanwhile, the girls go out to eat. I’m not really sure what they talked about as I was far too distracted by Jenni drinking her milkshake. Holy crap did she inhale that thing. For a girl who looks like a toothpick with medically enhanced boobs, she sure can put desert away. I would’ve thought she became bulimic or something to get down to that weight so fast. Well I guess she still could be. They didn’t show what happened when she excused herself to the bathroom after.

Mike complains to Ron about how he “can’t do anything.” Well yeah but that hasn’t stopped you from having a successful television career anyway…oh you meant the neck brace? I thought you meant in general. My bad. By the way, Mike’s poor wardrobe decision of the week this week would be his Kermit the Frog green sweatpants. So that explains why he loves Snooki: because she looks like Miss Piggy when she wears pink. It’s like straight from Jim Henson himself. Mike finally takes off his neck brace, despite just complaining to Ron that he has to wear it for 10 more days. Thank god that storyline is over. I was actually starting to feel bad for Mike. Not for being hurt; for having to wear that ridiculous novelty sized neck brace every time the camera was rolling.

The girls pass by a church, rolling some luggage for whatever reason (what did they tape this when they first arrived?). The priest told Snooki her outfit was inappropriate and she needs to cover up when walking by the church. This leads to the girls discussing what God thinks of their t*ts. Eww. Snooki then goes to call Jionni and says some more disgusting things about “sucking his butt” and how she once peed her pants in public. Watching this conversation was almost as uncomfortable as when I saw Chelsea Handler a few weeks ago with my mom and sister. She told a joke about giving bj’s. It wasn’t funny (nor was it the first time I heard her tell that exact bit, as she did pretty much the exact same set from a year and a half earlier when I saw her), but I nearly hurled when my mom and sister looked at each other and laughed as if they were all in on some big inside joke. Eavesdropping this Snooki phone call was right on that level of discomfort.

Deena gives Pauly a haircut with everyone watching. Why Deena, I don’t know? What qualifies her to cut hair? I mean I assume she’ll probably shave his hair off to make him more unappealing to girls, thus trying to bring him down to her level. Nevertheless, she does not shave his head. Instead she pushes his hair into a mohawk. “Hang on I need to get a camera to take a picture of this,” said Ronnie. Hey, a**hole, THERE’S CAMERAS EVERYWHERE! You’re on TV for crying out loud. Do you really need to grab your disposable camera that you bought at the airport for this? I’m guessing all those cameras following you around will probably get the shot for you. Good god, these people have IQ’s so low the next Real World cast would feel sorry for them. Pauly says he looks like one of those guidos you see on TV. “Nobody knows more about guido toolbags than us,” said Vinnie. You know what: I’m not even gunna touch that one. I think it stands alone. I agree with you, Vinnie. See? I don’t always disagree with this show.

Oh joy it’s time for Ron and Sam to have a talk about their relationship. Have I started a paragraph every week with that exact same sentence? The housemates complain about them fighting. I would say they’re finally fed up with this as well, but they complain about as often as Ron/Sam fight. “If I have to hear them fight again, I’ll ram my head into a wall,” said Pauly. That’s fine; just make sure you don’t ram your hands into the wall instead. That might give you a concussion and leave you in a neck brace. So Sam’s mad at Ron about something. Ron’s mad at Sam about something. I assume they broke up, but does it really matter at this point? Sam and Ron’s relationship status is about as meaningful as a bronze medal in the Special Olympics.

Mike is still sorry for what he did to Snooki. He said he wants to apologize to her someday and maybe one day he’ll be able to do something nice for her. What kind of statement is that? Apologize SOMEDAY? You’re sitting next to her RIGHT NOW! How hard is it to say, “Sorry, Snooki. I’m sorry for telling the 6 other people we live with that we hooked up when we really didn’t. It’s just that those guys behind the cameras over there offered me $50,000 an episode if I told everyone we did. At six episodes, that’s like $56,000! That’s a lot of meatballs for a guy barely qualified to do any jobs that pay $7/hour. So mathematically you can understand why I had to do it.” Simple as that, but yet he didn’t say that. So not only is Mike a bad apologizer, he’s as bad at math as ever. “It’s like talking to a wall,” said Snooki. Amen, sister.

It’s time for some night time fun, and you know what that means! This week they took a bullet train to France, where the boys went on a tour of the Eiffel Tower while the girls went shopping for new formal dresses at the nearby Champs Elysee. Oh who am I kidding? Club scene…drinks…dancing…fist pumping…terrible music; you get the idea. Deena nearly got into a fight because a girl for some reason threw a drink in her face. This only bothered her because a girl was doing it. She’s used to having guys do that to her at the club all the time. In the end, there was about as much violence as the huge Ron vs. Mike fight…or as in a fifth grade geography bee. Actually, that’s not true: I’ve seen more violence at a fifth grade geography bee. Story time, kids, gather ‘round:

I got down to the final 3 of my school’s fifth grade geography bee (I had also finished in the top 10 in fourth grade, so suck it). It was me and two kids from the “AT” (academically talented) program. I put that in quotations because I don’t know who the hell makes the decision of who’s academically gifted and who’s not in fifth grade? “Oh wow your test scores are so high for a 9-year old in such important subjects as spelling six-letter words and basic multiplication tables, you’re so academically talented.” Why stop at labeling them “AT” over the rest of the kids? Why don’t we just give them a full ride to Harvard while we’re at it? I’m getting off tangent off my original tangent, but the point is that these two kids were the school’s chosen ones and I was not.