March 9th, 2012 | 2 Comments | Posted in Jersey Shore Season 5

Welcome back. It’s the penultimate episode and recap of Jersey Shore Season 5. Small change of format this week as I’ll hit the recap first, then reader emails at the end, including predictions for each cast member’s future.

But first, the episode:

We are nine episodes into Season 5, and it is FINALLY time to end the ridiculously un-enthralling story line that has been plaguing this entire season. Yes, Mike finally tells Jionni that he hooked up with Snooki. I tried to remember how this story even got started. Mike hooked up with Snooki, now is upset for some reason, and, well, and… I really don’t care how it started, I’m just glad to finally have it over. But first, we see from last week that Mike’s master plan of having the Unit confirm the story is ruined by the Seaside Heights PD. (My comment from last week was incorrect. It wasn’t the entire Seaside Heights PD arresting the Unit. It was a mere 6 officers, 2 cars, and a van. Literally. For being “drunk in public.”) Even though the Unit is out of town again, Mike is able to break the news anyway by going to Plan B, also known as the Common Sense Plan, which is to walk up to Jionni and tell him what happened. In hindsight, this really should have been Plan A all along. This means that like he is on the planet Earth, the Unit has proven to be completely unnecessary for the show. Oh well, at least I picked up some inspiration for my next neck tattoo.

So Mike finally tells Jionni, who takes the news with all the excitement of a Buddhist monk deep in meditation. It was a very bizarre conversation that involves a strangely large number of handshakes. Jionni is so devastated by the news that he crawls into bed with Snooki and naps for three more hours. Mike then runs around the house telling the other housemates what he did, which is great fun because, as usual when Mike talks, the rest of the house is completely uninterested.

Snooki does get a little pissy with Mike she wakes up, and there is the inevitable and completely not-staged-at-all food fight. Yawn. The only interesting part of the food fight was when Snooki started randomly calling Mike “Popeye” and asking if he was afraid of milk. And then, after nine episodes of buildup, this story line is mercifully over. The hype and subsequent let down is eerily similar to what I felt today after eating a Taco Bell Dorito taco.

But Jionni, I tip my hat to you. You stick by Snooki even though she 1) is not at all attractive 2) has the intellect of a gerbil 3) banged Vinny 4) has friends like Rydar and Deena and 5) gave Mike a hummer while the Unit and Rydar were having sex in the same room. You are either truly in love or are so desperate for fame that you are willing to be the butt of everyone’s jokes. But all kidding aside, Jionni, you now have the HUGE responsibility of raising someone else’s kid, so I wish you nothing but luck.

Just when you start to think that Jionni is the most pathetic character on the show, Deena comes charging back to reclaim the crown. Deena, after getting completely embarrassed by Joey at Karma, inexplicably decides to call him and ask him out on a date again. Deena explains that even though Joey clearly hates her, he is the only guy that she has liked at the Shore. The sad part is that she could so clearly mispronounce “the only guy who would talk to me at the Shore.” Who would have thought that a “relationship” that started with a girl cold-calling a guy wouldn’t have a fairy tale ending? But amazingly, Joey agrees to the date anyway. Before the date, the house convinces Deena that Joey doesn’t really like her (again) so she should blow him off. Because she has no backbone and will do whatever people tell her to, Deena does just that and refuses to see Joey. For the date that she scheduled. But of course Deena needs Pauly and JWoww to actually do the blowing off, again, because she has no backbone. Joey is understandably pissed, as he busted out his flyest NBA jersey and high tops for the date. Sorry Joey, looks like you’ll just have to go back to the hot girl from Karma.

2 thoughts on “JERSEY SHORE – 3/9/12

  1. Pauly, IMO, has already proven himself as a DJ going on tour with Brittany Spears(I will pause for your laughter). He was on her comeback tour, and I think that he will be the most successful person out of the Shore.
    It’s really annoying that people are judging Snooki for her parenting skills because of what they saw on Jersey Shore. She really isn’t being any different than alot of people in their mid 20’s did. Hell, I was no angel in my early 20’s, and if I had gotten pregnant when I was her age, it would have made me settle down. If she’s seen out at Karma drinking in the next few months, then yes talk all the shit you want because that will be acceptable, but let her prove herself before you judge.

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