JERSEY SHORE – 1/13/12

Throughout the episode, Vinny unloads his sad story on just about everyone he sees. His only new wrinkle is his confession midway through the episode that he has been battling anxiety his whole life. Not just anxiety, but “clinical anxiety.” Apparently he is paid an extra $3 each time he says the word “anxiety” as that is pretty much all he does for the rest of the show before mercifully leaving at the end. I still don’t think he’ll stay away for more than one or two episodes, but at least the dark cloud has left…..for now.

Anyway, I was so bored by this story line that I spent the rest of the episode trying to solve some of the show’s mysteries. Like, how many lies has Rydar told in her life to make her nose that long? Are the people on this show are the only humans without cell phones? And how come they never seem to drink beer? And is Vinny’s giant watch just a watch and calculator, or a watch, calculator, AND programmable remote control?

On the bright side, MTV has fulfilled their quota of acoustic guitar music for the season.

The only thing making this episode tolerable, yet again, is Pauly. Pauly burns his face from over-tanning and exfoliating, creating two raw patches of skin under his eyes, making him look like the Ultimate Warrior. Yet despite his raw face (some things are not meant for high definition), he manages to pick up a transvestite from Karma. He takes (s)him home, gets it done in the smush room, then immediately tries to call a cab to get it out of the house ASAP. But while he is calling a cab, the thing he just banged steals his chain by putting in her pants and wrapping it around her….well, I probably shouldn’t finish that sentence. This thing is smart though, as most people who hook up with Pauly only get a t-shirt and prescription for penicillin. When the cab arrives, the person doesn’t want to leave, because it lost its shoes, leading to Pauly’s quote of the night, “Your shoes are in the cab.”

The next day, the girl (she looks noticeable less like a man the morning after), returns with the chain, claiming she didn’t realize she took it. As Snookie says, this is probably just a scam to snake her way back in the house, which works, for about 30 seconds. She is pretty much immediately booted again, still without her shoes. Pauly then tells Deena that his face hurt when he was making out with her…. yeah, stubble and raw skin don’t mix!

Speaking of girls who look like male crossdressers, Deena brings home a guy! It was kind of sweet, until the shot of the guy the next morning, waking up next to Deena, then immediately running to the kitchen and pouring Clorox bleach in his eyeballs.

And at some point, Mike makes a chess analogy, making two consecutive episodes that chess was mentioned. This is crazy because I’m willing to bet the number of chess games played by the cast, in total, is less than one. In fact, I’d be willing to bet the number of people in the cast able to spell chess is less than one.