JERSEY SHORE – 1/13/12

Anyway, per an unnamed source (the “internet”), I learned that Pauly’s spin off show has already been filmed, although MTV is not sure if they will air it or not. I used to think a Jersey Shore spin off would be about as successful as that talk show featuring Steve, the security guard from the Jerry Springer show. But it turns out our man Pauly is making quite the name for himself. He has worked with 50 Cent, got a year-long gig in Las Vegas, and is DJing on the Brittany Spears tour. Does anyone know if Pauly is even a good DJ? I mean, he attempted to DJ once in Seaside Heights in Season 1, and aside from the cast and bartenders, there were 3 people in the club. And the club never asked him back. So the DJ effectively tripled the attendance in the club, and brought an entourage of cameramen, which is sure to draw attention, and it wasn’t worth having him back again? Let’s just say I am skeptical of Pauly’s skillz, which could make the spin off all the more exciting. Will 50 cent be offended by his weak beats and shoot him? Will the glue holding his hair together melt in the Vegas heat? Will he have an affair with Brittany Spears? Who knows, but I’m willing to bet a couple million people will tune in to find out.

(And hey look, people still pay money to see Brittany Spears!!!! If I had a desire to watch a bimbo dance around to a pre-recorded version of a Brittany Spears song, I’m pretty sure that there are places where that can happen for less than an $80 ticket. I’ll give you a hint: it involves tassels and rhymes with “strip club”.)

My point is that all of a sudden, the Pauly spin off is starting to sound better than the actual show.

One other note before we get to episode number 2. Turns out Unit was arrested for drug possession at the Shore House this summer. (Rumors that Rydar was also arrested for possession of ceftriaxone without a prescription are unconfirmed at this point). Really, who would have thought that Unit would turn out to be shady? Unit has since been indicted, and if found guilty, could spend 3 – 5 years in prison. So good news, with good behavior, he should be out in time for Mike’s 50th birthday party!

(Random side note: most awkward part of writing this column is explaining to my wife why I was googling “gonorrhea prescription.”)

So episode 2 needed to really crank up the excitement. Did it? Of course not, it was all about Vinny.

Episode 2 continues where we left off last time, with Ronnie and Pauly trying to calm Vinny down. You can tell it’s a serious conversation because every sentence ends in “bro.” Vinny tells us that he is tired, can’t sleep, is run down, and running on E. Pauly then congratulates him on being able to say the exact same thing four different ways. I think I have Vinny’s problem figured out: when we see a shot of him in bed, he is laying there with his glasses and all the lights on. Perhaps if Vinny could listen to all the sad music that plays during his scenes, took his glasses off, and turned off the lights, he’d be able to sleep.