JERSEY SHORE FINALE – 3/16/12

Welcome back!

First, I’d like to point that I have not yet been sued by MTV, so there is no need to donate any money to my legal fund. Turns out there is one benefit to having your spoilers be 100% made up and incorrect all the time. My gracious host Steve on the other hand is not so lucky as you probably know, so if you enjoy this site at all, head over to the main page and drop him a buck or two if you can. In a show of solidarity, I actually donated 100% of the proceeds from this recap column to his defense fund.

And as to Pauly and his DJ skills, through the magic of youtube, the mystery is over. I did a little checking this week, and Pauly D is in fact a terrible DJ. Admittedly, I’m pretty negative about DJ’s in general. I guess I’m just old fashioned, but I like my “artists” to be able to sing or play an instrument, or GASP, both. If your only gear is a Mac Book Pro, I’m probably not going to be impressed. So the expectation bar was at limbo level, yet Pauly still managed to underwhelm me completely. Pauly’s concerts appear to be him pressing play on a premixed track, then hitting pause every 15 seconds to say something unenthusiastically into a microphone. It’s strange that a guy with so much energy on the show can be so subdued when performing. Again, I’m not a DJ guy, but it’s pretty obvious that Pauly stinks. All I’m saying is that Pauly better take that gig to DJ Snooki’s birth, because once his show premiers, I have a feeling it’s going to be tough for him to sell tickets. On to the last episode:

The final episode of Season 5, and let’s be honest, of the Jersey Shore as we know it, begins with the roommates who went camping coming home, only to find Pauly rubbing oil all over Vinny’s back. Also, the house has been turned inside out by the merry pranksters, which means everyone’s stuff is sitting outside. Seems as if Ronnie has been studying meteorology on those nights when he wasn’t allowed out, as he correctly predicts the upcoming rain. All the roommates wisely bring their stuff back inside, except for Mike, who is too busy complaining that he doesn’t like it when people touch his things, he thinks the orderlies are stealing from him, and Ethel won’t stop talking during Matlock. The rain lasts for about as long as any male can stand talking to Deena, so Mike’s stuff gets maybe three drops of water on it. Which according to Mike, is enough to ruin all of his stuff, earning him the nickname of the “Bitchuation” by Snooki.

The cast then heads out to Jenks, where the Jersey Shore Women’s Professional Volleyball League is having their annual fundraiser. Vinny picks up two lesbians, and somehow convinces them to come home and switch teams for the night. The amazing part of Vinny’s night is not so much that he hooked up with lesbians, but that he and the two girls could fit on the same bed. Through the always creepy night vision cam in the smush room, we see that the two girls are wearing matching sports bras. (Not sure why, but this cracked me up.) After the smush, Vinny is more pleased with himself than when his mom calls him a good boy, and rightfully so in my mind. However, Ronnie has to ruin the moment by correctly point out that one of the girls looked exactly like Matthew McConaughey.

Hey, remember every single episode this season where Mike was going to tell Jionni that he hooked up with Snooki? Well, turns out that Snooki was so mad at Mike that she goes day drinking with him the very next episode. Here we learn that Mike’s brother Frank (named after the original sad, less famous brother Frank Stallone) is still dating Deena’s sister, and that she is a squirter. As usual, Mike takes this info and tries to create some sort of suspense and drama around whether or not he should tell everyone his secret. And as usual, no one cares. Except for Deena, who finally sees a way to be relevant for an episode, so she runs around screaming that no one talks about her family. Deena’s point is that she doesn’t want her family embarrassed by the news, which would be noble if Deena hadn’t spent the last few years embarrassing her family every time she opened her mouth.