March 16th, 2012 | 2 Comments | Posted in Jersey Shore Season 5

It was at this point in the episode when I finally realized why I hated this season so much. Deena. Deena has been nothing but a wet blanket all season, sadly crying out for attention every moment that the cameras were on her. Also, it appears that she locked everyone else out of the confessional, because I’m pretty sure that she was the only one who used it all season. What’s worse than having mundane and recycled “plots” each week? Having to listen to Deena chime in on all of them. Deena might as well be screaming “me me me me me” the whole time. (Also, the scenes of her vacuuming and ironing her fake hair are disgusting.)

This finale episode is typical Deena. First, she puts on one of JWoww’s dresses so that her boobs are fully exposed, thinking that it makes her look hot. Sorry Deena, you look like Ralphie May in that dress. Pushing up all your fat into cleavage is not attractive. Then she recycles Snooki’s “oh no Mike, don’t tell anyone the secret!” lines from the first 11 episodes. And the whole episode she is shouting for some reason. All I’m saying is that I’m sure I’m not the only one who was rooting for the tornado to toss Deena into the ocean. So Deena, the Yoko Ono of Jersey Shore, I hope this is goodbye. May you mercifully disappear into obscurity.

Before the hugging and packing can commence, the cast heads out to Karma one last time. Aside from a Lilith Fair mix tape, Vinny also picked up some fashion tips from the lesbians, as he and Pauly head out for their last night wearing matching shirts. (Sadly, there was no confirmation that they were also wearing matching sports bras). At Karma we again see Frank and Deena’s sister, who are already talking about marriage. Due to the obvious happiness of the couple, Mike and Deena decide to keep the rumors to themselves.

So although the chance run in with Deena’s sister at Karma was rather uneventful, it did inspire the cast to grab some super soakers and have a water fight the next day. The girls end up getting dominated by the guys, even though the girls had done more planning for the fight ahead of time. But it’s not about who won or who lost, it’s about showing that gee shucks, even after all the drama, the cast is just a bunch of kids (except for Mike who is technically a senior citizen) who want to have a good time. During the final packing, JWoww nearly burns the house down, which would have saved the CDC some time in the upcoming weeks. The piercing shriek of the smoke detector was barely audible over Deena’s wailing, but here we have the Pauly D quote of the night, where Pauly says that the smoke filled house “looks like Ronnie’s car on a Friday night.” Hmmmm…. so maybe it wasn’t Sam that made Ronnie so mellow this season.

All that’s left at this point is the final hugs as the cast go on their way. The leaving montage is actually a pretty fitting summary of the season. First, Sam and Ronnie leave together to little fanfare. Frankly, I think Sam and Ronnie should have to repay half of their checks earned this season, as they really brought nothing to the table. Never thought I’d say this, but I almost wish we had a Sam / Ronnie make-up break-up fight. Oh well.
Next to leave is JWoww, who is picked up by Roger. Exactly like Sam and Ronnie, JWoww’s was pretty much a non-factor this season because she was in a serious relationship. (Anytime you are cloning body parts, it’s serious). Her disappearance this season was a little less noticeable that Sam and Ronnie’s due to her huge rack, I mean, due to Roger not living in the house. But she should give back some of her paycheck as well.

Mike is next, who heads out in a blaze of half-hearted bro hugs and pseudo gang signs, then gets into a cab empty-handed (he must really think that water ruins clothes). Vinny is then picked up by his mom, who was kind enough to bring him a zip lock baggy fully of cherrios for the ride home. Then Deena leaves alone. Pauly is second to last, once his costar of the Pauly D project “Big Jerry” picks him up, leaving Snooki alone in the house waiting for her ride. So what does she do? Gets hammered. By herself. And talks to inanimate objects. Which is really what the whole show has always been about. Snooki making a fool of herself. Too bad it hasn’t been interesting for over 2 seasons. And then just like that, it’s over.

It was a little sad watching the Jersey Shore die such a slow, agonizing death in Season 5. But, this awful season doesn’t change the fact that Jersey Shore, as a whole, was a smashing success, that will always have a place in pop culture in a VH1 clip special to be filmed later. As for me, just want to say thanks to Steve for having me aboard this season, and thanks to everyone who read these recaps.

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2 thoughts on “JERSEY SHORE FINALE – 3/16/12

  1. Thanks for your work on the recaps! I really liked your humour, you caught me off guard a few times which is always a good sign! I hope you end up writing something else…and I’m sure you will, because just as a new fool is born every minute, so is a new reality show.

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