March 2nd, 2012 | 1 Comment | Posted in Jersey Shore Season 5

So what does this mean? For now, nothing obviously as the filming for Season 5 has been done for a while. I’m not sure when / if the Season 5 reunion was / will be filmed (remember the unpaid part), but if the reunion hasn’t been filmed yet, I’m sure they will hit on this story then. But sadly, it’s unlikely that they reveal the results of the paternity test Maury Povich-style on the reunion, which is a real shame. How awesome would it be to see Vinny dancing down the aisles when he is eliminated from fatherhood contention? Also, it seems that the JWoww / Snooki spin off, “Two and a Half Guidettes” is in jeopardy now, so I’m sure MTV will turn Snooki’s pregnancy into a new show. This sounds like a weak premise, but they’ve done worse. Remember the show chronicling Bam Margera’s wedding to that girl he was married to for two weeks? Or Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra (not even their failed show, just them as people)? Point is, I fear this pregnancy means another show where Snooki waddles around saying dumb things, because in her simple mind, dumb = cute. (She can’t really be that dumb. Can she?)

So yes, Mike’s sunglasses are available, and I do believe that Snooki is knocked up. I’m glad both of those items came up this week, as the episode was perhaps the worst in the entire 5 season catalogue of Jersey Shore. Not only did nothing happen, but it was the same nothing that has not happened all season. Only 2 episodes left, and you’ll never guess what happens next week: Mike is going to tell Jionni that he hooked up with Snooki! And then there is a food fight. Awesome. We’ve seen it teased every single week. At this point, the story line is like JWoww’s boobs: completely fake, and always on the verge of being exposed, but always without the payoff.

But it is a special night for JWoww’s boobs, as it is the one year anniversary of their relationship with Roger. I guess technically the relationship is between JWoww and Roger, but seeing as the boobs get all the attention, I think the original description is more accurate. In order to make it a memorable night, the boobs take JWoww to the sex store to buy some special items for the night. JWoww wants to buy a trashy outfit to wear for Roger, but everything at the sex store is actually less trashy than her normal wardrobe. She does however strike gold with the Clone-a-Bone kit, which can be used make a mold of Roger’s dong. JWoww, being the good roommate that she is, buys two extra Clone-a-Bone kits, knowing that Ronnie and Mike will each want a replica of Roger’s junk.

JWoww’s plans are momentarily side tracked by Pauly and Vinny, who are jealous of all the couples in the house (JWoww and Roger, Snooki and Jionni, Sammi and Ronnie, Deena and her second chin) so they try to hide the smush bed by putting it on the patio and covering it in a sheet. I personally think they should have simply taken the mattress back to Skid Row where they got it, but the porch works. For about two minutes. Then JWoww brings the bed back into the house, and prepares for a night of romance / arts and crafts.

Pauly whines about all the couples for a few more segments. I hear you Pauly, it must be tough hooking up with different chicks every night, then getting to kick them out so you don’t have to share your single-wide bed with someone. And it must really stink to get hang out with your best friend Vinny whenever you want. All that freedom, all those girls, sucks to be you! Next time you feel bad that you are single, ask Sammi if Ronnie is allowed to talk. If he is, ask him how he likes being in a relationship. You’ll find out that life is pretty good for you. (Pauly also takes home the quote of the night for correctly calling out Vinny for wearing capris with “That was really nice of your sister to lend you her entire outfit, including the shoes.”)

Yet despite the inherent advantages that being on a reality show and being single grant you, Pauly’s not the only one looking for love. Deena is still desperately trying to convince herself that Joey likes her, even though the entire free world, as well as the majority of the non-free world, can tell Joey has no desire to be with her. But it’s kind of sad, because deep down Deena realizes this as well, yet her desperation to be loved is so strong that she overlooks it. Not even Sammi’s speech can make Deena see the light. (And what a speech it was! “Deena, you are one of my top seven friends in the house. I care about you slightly more than the duck phone. Listen to me: you deserve better than Joey. Sure, you’ll never find anything better because you are hideous and have a terrible personality, but that guy doesn’t like you. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know your name.”) Yet despite the heart-to-heart from Sammi, Deena still follows Joey around Karma like a lost dog. Eventually though, she does get the hint, and sulks home to sleep alone, on her bed that is for some unknown reason covered in a pile of hair extensions. As weird as that is, it seems a fitting foreshadowing for her future life alone with her cats.

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