JERSEY SHORE – 2/24/12

February 24th, 2012 | 1 Comment | Posted in Jersey Shore Season 5

After a night of disappointment (for everyone but Ronnie), the cast decides to branch out and actually do something! Deena does a little research and finds out that there is a body of water very near the cast’s house on the Jersey Shore! Although they are not sure when it was added, everyone in the house is excited to take a trip and see what this water looks like, so they head to “the” dock (apparently there is only one). At “the” dock, the cast tries to fish and create the easiest possible joke for Jersey Shore recappers by trying to catch crabs. But just like the men Deena throws herself at, I refuse to take the bait! I’ll let myself go as low as backne and steroid jokes, but there is no way I’ll lower myself to crab jokes. A blogger has to have some self-respect (oxymoronic, I know).

Aside from some water, it turns out that the state of New Jersey has also recently added a giant exploding ball of gas to the sky, called the “Sun.” As such, it is now technologically feasible to get a tan without a tanning bed! Mike gives it a try, and is instantly punished by the Guido Gods for besmirching the holy tanning beds, as crabs drop from the sky onto his chest in a plague of biblical proportions. That is, if by “biblical proportions” you actually mean “the exact opposite of biblical proportions.” Was it just me or did the cast accidentally drive to the kiddie dock rather than the adult dock because everything on the dock is miniature? Vinny actually manages to catch a fish that is smaller than the hook on the end of the fishing pole and the crabs pulled from the traps are the size of the crabs pulled from JWoww’s…….oh wow, sorry, almost took the bait!

Since the cast vowed to catch their dinner with their bare hands (and fishing poles and crab traps), and the teeny catch from the dock wouldn’t feed a hermit crab, the Meatballs decide to take the hunting to the next level by getting off of the dock and heading out to the high seas to catch some grub. This decision was a disaster from start to finish. First, Deena tries to launch the boat with all the grace of a monkey trying to fornicate with a football (I’m using “boat” very liberally here, as the vessel was more air mattress than ship). Then, the Meatballs fail to get more than three feet from the dock, despite the fact that they are both paddling with all of their might in opposite directions. Next, Ronnie inexplicably tries to help by letting the air out of the boat, which sends the girls into a panic as they think they will drown and / or be eaten by non-existent sharks. After a Herculean effort to keep things afloat by the vessel (not entirely unlike Roger’s earlier attempts to satisfy JWoww), the boat capsizes, plunging the Meatballs into…..two, maybe two and a half feet of water. Despite the very real threat of death by drowning and shark attacks, the girls simply stand up and walk back to dry land. Catastrophe averted.

Since the mission to catch dinner was an utter failure, the cast piles into the car to pick up some Chinese food. While driving away, we get the Pauly D quote of the night from JWoww, who proclaims that “the car smells like the smush room.”

(Before moving on, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but something appears to be seriously wrong with the Matrix, as Gizmo, I mean Snooki, has now been exposed to bright light, fallen into water, eaten after midnight, and yet still failed to multiply. Maybe Mr. Wing’s grandson didn’t know what he was talking about after all.)

At this point, I have to say, I was pretty pleased with the episode. We started with Roger knocking a guy out, there were some failed hook-ups, then the cast doing something other than drinking themselves stupid…. But here is where the episode took a nose dive. First, Sammi lets Ronnie out of the house, and he uses this rare freedom to hang out with Snooki and drink their hangovers away. Promising start, yet it disintegrates into a montage from a cheesy buddy comedy movie, with Ronnie pushing Snooki around the boardwalk on a motorcycle as they laugh, hold hands, and spin around in a field of tulips. Then later that night at the club, Mike not only goes out of his way to find girls for Pauly and Vinny (and himself of course… sorry Paula, guess you are not that special after all), but he also manages to get all the girls to leave together after they are smushed, saving Pauly and Vinny the trouble of kicking them out. What the hell Jersey Shore? Why are you all being so friendly to each other? Only thing that could make this episode more nauseating would be a lame Friends’ reference….

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