Written by: Jason Rappo

We start off with Mike complaining about his injury. You know the one he obtained in his head by ramming his hands into a wall. “I learned don’t ever ram your head into a wall in Italy because they’re made entirely out of brick and mortar.” Well duh. What do you think the walls are made out of in America? Marshmallows? You laugh but those could actually be very dangerous to Mike. If he rammed his hands too hard into a wall full of marshmallows on a hot sweaty day, they might get stuck and he wouldn’t be able to fist bump again until he called Deena to help eat his way out of there.

Ron wakes Sammy up to tell her he wants to talk later when she gets up. Does she really have to get out of bed for that? Couldn’t she just watch last week’s episode of Jersey Shore on her DVR later to see it? Mike makes a phone call to…OMG MY FORMER SIXTH GRADE CLASSMATE … Continue reading →

Written by: Jason Rappo

So it turns out MTV decided to get tricky and air this week’s episode on Sunday before the VMA’s. I had not realized this until Tuesday morning when someone emailed me and let me know. Thankfully, my DVR picked it up, so I was still able to write the review. Not that it would’ve mattered if I hadn’t recorded it since it’s not like MTV doesn’t re-air the show 43 times during the week or anything. Nevertheless, better late than never, here’s your Jersey Shore week 5 recap.

We pick up week 5 where week 4 left off. Mike, still sporting the Big Bird yellow sweatpants, is yelling at Ron that he doesn’t get involved in people’s relationships. He must’ve been completely serious because he was spitting all over the place as he was yelling. For the sake of their individual healths, I hope everybody around him had their mouths shut while Mike’s mouth was firing mounds of spit in every direction (you can contract sexual diseases from second-hand saliva, right?). … Continue reading →

Written by: Jason Rappo

We begin with everyone waking up from last week’s events. Snooki has a sleep mask that says “totally trashed” on it. That wasn’t so much a vanity mask as much as it was a message for the local garbage men to do their jobs. Mike and Vinny get rid of the twins separately. Vinny chastises Deena for stealing his twin in the middle of the night, saying they weren’t tag teaming her right because Deena took the girl out of Vinny’s bed; she “tag robbed” her. Nevertheless, the team of Deena and Vinny have already won more tag team matches than The Bushwackers ever did (look it up, kids).

The boys all go out to eat. Mike tells the story of his hookup with Snooki, although it was impossible to hear everything since the censors were going wild. Mike swore on his sister, Melissa – WHO OMG WAS IN MY SIXTH GRADE CLASS!!! – that he wasn’t lying. He then referred to himself as “the people’s champion”. He then raised … Continue reading →