JERSEY SHORE – 3/9/12

On the opposite end of the spectrum from Deena are Mike, Vinny and Pauly, who have recently reunited “M.V.P.” for a reunion tour. They hit the club and are instantly surrounded by girls. When they first walk in, a girl walks up to the group and says “I really like you in orange” which I thought was surely going to be the winner of the Pauly D Quote of the Night contest, until I realized that Vinny was actually wearing an orange t-shirt, so it wasn’t just a clever insult. Too bad. The reunion tour proves to be a raging success, as M.V.P. manages to bring home four girls. Vinny decides to mix it up and bring home a larger girl, while Pauly brings home two girls, one for him and one in case Vinny changes his mind about the “thick” girl. I always thought it was a little weird when two couples are hooking up on adjoining beds, but here a new level of awkwardness is achieved as Vinny is hooking up with the big girl in one bed, Pauly is hooking up with his girl on the other bed, and the backup girl is laying there playing with her hair. Mike brings home a girl who literally comes up to him and says that her boyfriend cheated on her, and she wants to get back at him by sleeping with Mike. Is sleeping with Mike, on television, the worst possible revenge a girlfriend can give her boyfriend? Other than herpes, yes, although it’s a fairly close race. Luckily for the girl, Mike is a dual service provider.

Next, the cast, sans Vinny and Pauly, decide to go camping. Pauly and Vinny decline the camping trip so that they can stay home and spoon…. I mean, pull a prank on the house. As Pauly says, they want to “make this place unrecognizable.” But rather than take the easy way out and simply clean, they decide to move all the inside furniture outside, and all of the moldy outside furniture inside. But to do that, they need some additional man power. Luckily Danny is available, because it’s not like he has a business to run or anything. He is also able to bring all the employees from the Shore Store, who are visibly upset that they have to do something other than stand behind the counter looking disinterested.

Meanwhile, in the woods, the camping trip is ruined by Deena, who cries because she feels abandoned by the other girls in the house, who all have boyfriends. My favorite part of this was when Snooki appeared momentarily to have a sense of empathy for her fellow meatball, only to ultimately show how shallow she really is. And for that, Snooki takes home the Pauly D Quote of the Night with “I know just how Deena feels….. she’s jealous!”

The camping trip is brief, but we learn that Mike is very creative when it comes to peeing and that he likes to play with fire. Or as Deena says “he is just one of those people. A hermaphrodite or whatever it is that I am.” Although the trip is short, the guidos manage to completely trash the woods, and spend the majority of the trip cleaning up after themselves before heading home.

Awaiting them at home is Pauly and Vinny sitting together in a kiddie pool, in a scene that ranks above Ace and Gary (but below Mike and the Unit) in terms of repressed homosexual undertones. I had always assumed that Pauly and Vinny’s comments about dating and being each other’s boyfriends were jokes, but now I am not so sure. Poor Deena, seems as if the straight guys would go gay before choosing her.

And that’s it for this week. Before the finale next week, there is two and half hours of pre-show (what is this, the Super Bowl?), then packing and hugging, and the end of Season 5, and probably the end of Jersey Shore as we know it.

Now on to some reader emails. I wanted to say thanks to everyone who sent in emails this week. You guys are awesome. As to some of the questions:

– Tassie astutely asks why the cast always takes cabs when going out for the night yet walks home at the end of the evening. Great question! One theory is that it is money related, and that the cast spends all of their cash drinking at the club, so they have no money left for the cab ride back home. I don’t think that is it though, as I can’t believe the cast ever has to pay for drinks. It is in MTV’s best interest to keep the cast as drunk as possible. And if, for some reason MTV wouldn’t pick up the tab, I gotta believe the clubs would offer free drinks in order to get the cast and all of their gawkers into the club. And if both MTV and the clubs are too dumb to not give the cast free alcohol, then some of the locals clearly would. (Also, where could JWoww possibly conceal money in her outfits?) So I think the issue is just bad cab service. After three seasons, cab companies still haven’t figured out that a sound business practice would be to have a cab waiting to pick up the random girls at the house who are kicked out post-smush, so is it any wonder they are also too dumb to have a fleet of cabs waiting outside Karma at closing time? (The cast can get cabs heading out for the night because they call just after breakfast to schedule the 11pm pickup.) I seriously am considering quitting my job, moving to the Jersey Shore, and opening up “Common Sense Cabs.” The business model is extremely innovative, and revolves around having cabs available in the places that are known to need cabs. It’s crazy enough that it just might work. (The main detraction to this master plan is the fact that I would have to live in New Jersey, and who knows how hard it is to clean fake tan from a cab’s interior?)

– Liz wrote in to ask me what I think the cast will be doing in ten years. As mentioned many times, these people appear to be 100% unemployable in the real world (but strangely would be 100% employable on the Real World). However, with the money made from the show and various endorsements, everyone on the cast should be set for the rest of their lives, assuming that they didn’t blow the money on ridiculous things. (I think Ronnie’s watch proves that they are all in trouble). So let’s go person by person.