March 9th, 2012 | 2 Comments | Posted in Jersey Shore Season 5

Snooki – Her brilliantly-timed release of her pregnancy news, as well as the fact that she sat on the info until she worked out a payday with a magazine, tells me that surprisingly she is probably the shrewdest of the bunch. I think she’ll milk the pregnancy thing for every cent she can, and then live a reasonably modest life with Evil Danny, my dark horse candidate for the father of her kid. With Snooki’s Jersey Shore loot stashed away, and the tens of dollars Danny must make at the Shore Store each week, I think Snooki will, much to the shock of everyone, disappear from the public eye. And since my predictions have proven to be oh-so-accurate so far this year, you can probably bank on the exact opposite happening. Snooki will whore herself out, as well as her kid, at every opportunity. As Tim Siedell tweeted, it’s “Weird to think we’re just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.” Well played Mr. Siedell, well played. Rock bottom will be when Snooki’s kid appears on 16 and pregnant. (Note that Tim’s tweet has already been so widely plagiarized, so I’m not even positive he said it first anymore. But if you can’t trust reddit for your “facts” who can you trust?)

Mike – While Snooki may turn her Jersey Shore character into its own brand, Mike is the obvious choice for the one most likely to embarrass himself by clinging desperately to Jersey Shore fame as long as possible. Did you know that the guy who played Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell still gets paid to do bar appearances? That’s Mike in ten years. Only it will be sadder because Mike is older than Mr. Belding.

Vinny – Amazingly, I don’t see Vinny living off the royalties from his book about “clinical” anxiety. Vinny will move home after show, where his mom will still do his laundry, pay for his car insurance, and give him his baths. When his parents pass away, they will leave the house to Vinny, where he will spend his time as a recluse, trying to figure out exactly what “Let Go, Let God” means.

JWoww – Poor Jenny, the character whose window on cultural relevancy is closing the quickest. I see JWoww signing on to do a Playboy shoot within the next two years, then when that money disappears, profiting from the sex tape that is magically “stolen” and released without her permission. But at that point, no one will care, and she will end up taking a job at Hooters.

Deena – Luckily for Deena, cat foot is fairly cheap, so she and her 37 cats will always have something to eat. Good thing, as I don’t see Deena (or her cats) bringing home another pay check after this season.

Ronnie and Sammi – Yeah, Ronnie blew a ton of money on a watch that would embarrass even the douchiest rapper, but that was the old Ronnie. The new Ronnie is calm, reasonable, and dare I say it, somewhat smart? I’m not sure what happened to Ronnie this season (less drugs and Sammi doesn’t let him out anymore), but he seems like the type of guy that could be smart with his money, and live nicely off the sound investments made. I see Sammi and Ronnie living a quiet life in suburbia, albeit a sad New Jersey suburbia, complete with three kids.

Pauly – Now here is a guy that is going places. I see Pauly continuing his climb to stardom. I still have some serious doubts about his DJ’ing skills, but Pauly is charismatic enough to overcome his weak beats, and turn his charm into a career as a late night talk show host. I mean, a network was dumb enough to give Jimmy Fallon a show, so why not Pauly?

– Special thanks to Scottie and her husband for emailing to recognize the pathetic attempt at a Dr. Seuss birthday tribute from last week. I was going to try to continue with a celebrity birthday tribute this week as well, but I wasn’t able to choose between James Van Der Beek and Freddie Prinze Jr, so I decided to scrap the idea entirely.

– And as to the questions as to my future with Reality Steve once the Jersey Shore ends (mainly my wife asking if I will ever will be able to help with the kid on Friday mornings)…. that is still up in the air. Contract negotiations with Steve are ongoing but slow (you’d be amazed at the brevity of Steve’s emails, considering he can write 18 pages about the Bachelor twice a week). Hopefully we’ll have a plan by next week’s recap. Any thoughts on the Pauly D Project? I have never seen Entourage so it’d be new to me…

Till next week.

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2 thoughts on “JERSEY SHORE – 3/9/12

  1. Pauly, IMO, has already proven himself as a DJ going on tour with Brittany Spears(I will pause for your laughter). He was on her comeback tour, and I think that he will be the most successful person out of the Shore.
    It’s really annoying that people are judging Snooki for her parenting skills because of what they saw on Jersey Shore. She really isn’t being any different than alot of people in their mid 20’s did. Hell, I was no angel in my early 20’s, and if I had gotten pregnant when I was her age, it would have made me settle down. If she’s seen out at Karma drinking in the next few months, then yes talk all the shit you want because that will be acceptable, but let her prove herself before you judge.

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