JERSEY SHORE – 2/17/12

Meanwhile, Mike is still trying to track down “The Unit” (editor note: We looked this one up. While there are multiple sources that omit “The” or don’t use the appropriate “”, we feel it is most appropriate to pay the proper respect and use capitalization, a clarifying article to ensure there is no doubt exactly which unit we are referring to and quotes. While you may be thinking this overkill, we come from the Midwest, the home of “THE” Ohio State so clearly we disagree with you) to talk about….actually, I’m too tired of this story line to even finish the sentence. I just pray that “The Unit” gets paroled soon, because this has to be the longest recurring gimmick in TV history since Kenny died in every episode of South Park. With the “The Unit” still “out of town,” Mike settles on napping all day and night. At one point, we see Mike sleeping in his sunglasses (so he can, so he can see?) He wakes up and is either instantly drunk or he is exceptionally creepy when he is groggy, as he goes into full on creep mode, suggesting that he put whip cream on Snooki and lick it off. Snooki is of course offended by all the sex talk, because if there is one thing we all know, it’s that Snooki would be offended by open dialogue about sex. But Mike rebounds nicely and ends up with Paula, who celebrates her birthday with a fresh case of VD!

In other awkward smushing news, this week Deena continues her run up the charts as my least favorite character on the show. Deena has a “date” again with Joey. I use quotes around “date” as it’s hard to really think of it as a date. Deena calls Joey, finds out which club he is going to (with his two friends, brother and cousins), then shows up at the same club and waits until he drinks himself into oblivion. Because only when polluted does Joey show her any attention. But as usual, alcohol wins in the Jersey Shore, and once hammered, Joey agrees to come home with Deena. Also a reason why it clearly wasn’t a date: Joey doesn’t have a condom. Deena has thrown herself at Joey repeatedly, so it’s hard to believe that Joey actually planned on going home with Deena since he has no condom. (It’s a rule that all dates on the Jersey Shore end in sex. I looked it up.) This leads to the best line of the night, when Snooki asks Mike if he has a condom for Deena, and Mike says “depends on how big her penis is.” (Ok, outside of my living room that really didn’t happen.)

Before the coitus, Pauly puts a whole bunch of dirty dishes in Deena’s bed, which she has to clean up before she can get it in with Joey. (I guess technically that should be “before Joey can get it in with Deena”…. call it a Freudian hermaphrodite… I mean, slip. Freudian slip.) During the coitus (which Snooki watches!), we finally learn what exactly the bizarre noise that has Deena been making lately is and how it is spelled. Apparently it is “merp.” I had no idea what that meant, so I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, the definitive source of all words and phrases unknown. “Merp” has two definitions: something you say when there is nothing else to say or an expression of minor disappointment. (Side note: Merp has the distinction of the least disgusting definition on Urban Dictionary.) Sadly, the producers did not spell out the sounds of extreme disappointment that Joey made after he banged Deena, although him constantly checking his watch spoke volumes.

After Joey leaves, Deena officially takes the top spot in the most hated character standings when she has a conversation with herself using her hands as puppets and only the word “merp.” This was really an upgrade over Angelina? For the 7 minutes Angelina was on the show, she was angry, loud and confrontational. Basically, everything you could ever want in a reality television character. What is Deena? She’s a sad little Snooki clone, who is so desperate for any sign of human affection that she never even thinks of doing or saying anything that would cause an issue. Look at last week, she plays wingman for a guy she openly wants?!?! Weak sauce. Deena’s like a stray dog with a slightly larger vocabulary. Which is why I was excited to hear that Angelina is making an appearance on an upcoming episode. I really hope it’s more than a quick cameo, because Angelina is exactly what the show needs now, some new (sort of) blood.

Although the show clearly needs something new, I have to give the cast a little bit of credit for trying to mix it up. Like the one time they decided to go to Jenks instead of Karma or Aztec. Jenks (didn’t catch what the full name was, and I’m one of the remaining 6 people without DVR on the planet) is pretty much the complete opposite of the other clubs in Jersey: it’s a club that has loud techno music, flashing lots, and tons of Italians binge drinking and fighting. But much like the switch from Karma to Aztec brought Vinny back to life, the switch from Karma to Jenks brought Ronnie back to life. For the first time all season, we see Ronnie dance! Although he is out of practice, and falls down while getting down, because as he explains, “I have Gumby ankles, what do you want?” Not the best line of the episode, but in honor of Ronnie coming alive, he’ll take home the Pauly D quote of the night award, which he can put on a shelf and look at. Whenever Sammi says he can.