Written by: Jason Rappo

So it turns out MTV decided to get tricky and air this week’s episode on Sunday before the VMA’s. I had not realized this until Tuesday morning when someone emailed me and let me know. Thankfully, my DVR picked it up, so I was still able to write the review. Not that it would’ve mattered if I hadn’t recorded it since it’s not like MTV doesn’t re-air the show 43 times during the week or anything. Nevertheless, better late than never, here’s your Jersey Shore week 5 recap.

We pick up week 5 where week 4 left off. Mike, still sporting the Big Bird yellow sweatpants, is yelling at Ron that he doesn’t get involved in people’s relationships. He must’ve been completely serious because he was spitting all over the place as he was yelling. For the sake of their individual healths, I hope everybody around him had their mouths shut while Mike’s mouth was firing mounds of spit in every direction (you can contract sexual diseases from second-hand saliva, right?). … Continue reading →

Written by: Jason Rappo

We begin with everyone waking up from last week’s events. Snooki has a sleep mask that says “totally trashed” on it. That wasn’t so much a vanity mask as much as it was a message for the local garbage men to do their jobs. Mike and Vinny get rid of the twins separately. Vinny chastises Deena for stealing his twin in the middle of the night, saying they weren’t tag teaming her right because Deena took the girl out of Vinny’s bed; she “tag robbed” her. Nevertheless, the team of Deena and Vinny have already won more tag team matches than The Bushwackers ever did (look it up, kids).

The boys all go out to eat. Mike tells the story of his hookup with Snooki, although it was impossible to hear everything since the censors were going wild. Mike swore on his sister, Melissa – WHO OMG WAS IN MY SIXTH GRADE CLASS!!! – that he wasn’t lying. He then referred to himself as “the people’s champion”. He then raised … Continue reading →

Written by: Jason Rappo

Week three begins in rather bizarre fashion. Mike is in bed with the same whore from last week. He then calls her a cab and sends her home. Mike starts telling us how tired he is, as he goes to sleep on the couch patio. The problem is that a pigeon keeps flying down onto the couch causing Mike to fall off the couch. Here’s my question: if you’re so tired and need to sleep so badly, why don’t you just GO BACK TO THE BED YOU WERE JUST SLEEPING IN!?!? Why the hell do you continue to try and fall asleep on an outdoor patio when you have a perfectly good bed inside that you were sleeping in ten minutes before? I know “bed hopping” is listed under the activities section of Mike’s resume, but if you’re just going to keep getting woken up by a pigeon, maybe you should just take the hint and go back inside. This isn’t rocket science. By the way, it’s just my luck that … Continue reading →