If I had to sum this week’s episode up in a single word it would be “urine” which is a nice change from every other episode, which could also be summed up with one word, “feces.” This week was all about Snookie peeing. It starts in Karma, where a drunken Snookie pees her pants and a wide section the dance floor. But, like a true socialite, Snookie won’t let a pair of wet underpants ruin a good time! Instead, Snookie heads to the bathroom, and does what any of us would do…hoses her junk down with a bottle of bathroom perfume (looked to be Brut, for her) so she can get back to the dance floor. Before heading back out, Snookie reminds us all that she is clean and she smells good. Snookie not only continues dancing all night in her urine soaked underoos but she heads home and passes out, fully clothed and sopping wet. Luckily, all the beds in the Shore house have plastic sheets for this very reason (and to discourage the breeding of crabs).
Snookie announces that she has to pee every 30 seconds for the rest of the show. At one point, Snookie admits that she never washes her hands after going to the bathroom. (Deena quickly agrees, saying she never does either, but Deena is so sadly desperate for companionship that she would agree with any thing anyone says, as long as they acknowledge her presence.) Snookie also ends up peeing on the deck at the house and throws a shirt over the puddle so that it wouldn’t smell. So based on this turn of events, despite her bathroom soliloquy, it becomes abundantly clear that Snookie doesn’t understand the meaning of the words “clean” or “smell” or “self-respect.” On the bright side, we’ve solved the age-old question of what is the worst possible job in the world: Karma bathroom attendant.
(After peeing on the deck, a bunch of pigeons swoop down and start hanging out on the deck. Strangely, finding out that pigeons in New Jersey are attracted to the smell of urine is not surprising.)
The other storyline of this episode was Mike’s nonsensical drunken ranting. It started off innocently (but confusingly) enough, with Mike announcing that he wants to get the words “Loyalty” and “Betrayal” tattooed on his arms. This would be a bold move, as it would vault Mike into a tie for second place on the Worst Tattoo Ever List. Vinny still holds the top spot with his “Let Go, Let God” ink, but if Mike goes through with “Loyalty” and “Betrayal”, he’d become tied for second with everyone in the house not named Vinny.
What caused Mike to get so angry all of a sudden? Well, no one knows for sure, but I googled his symptoms and a potential answer soon became very clear. Mike is angry, he is paranoid, he has mood swings, he withdraws from social activities, he can’t remember who he’s mad at and why… all of which point to the early onset of Alzheimer’s, which given his demographic, is to be expected. Either that or he just drank too much. But Mike is mad at someone about something and convinced someone may be out to get him, even though he doesn’t know who or why or have any proof. The best part about Mike’s rants is that the rest of the house clearly doesn’t care. Somewhere along the line he decides that Snookie is the mythical troublemaker, so he decides to get even, which of course means he needs to bring up the time he hooked up with Snookie. Again. Yes, this is still going on 5 episodes in. In fact, the preview for next week’s episode used the exact same “scenes from next week’s episode” from last episode, with Mike calling Unit in prison to say that they need to set the story straight. Seems a little shady to use the same teaser two weeks in a row, but I had to resort to fake reader emails, so maybe I shouldn’t throw glass houses.
And hey look, time for another pop-in from an auxiliary character! This time it is Snookie’s dad. Unfortunately for Snookie’s dad, as he is not a recurring character, he is ineligible for the Worst Tattoo contest. Which is shame, as he appears to have taken the random doodlings he did on his notebook during high school shop class, and had them permanently inked on his arms and chest. I’m just joking Snookie’s dad, I too love Foghat.
(Not to be undone by Snookie’s dad, God makes a surprise guest appearance this episode! Yes, God, the guy that created the heavens and the earth and evolution. God, out of the blue, decides to play a practical joke on humanity by making Snookie think she is having a heart attack, inflating the hopes of all of mankind, only to have them dashed when Snookie realizes that she is okay after all. Well played God, well played. Now please get back to ensuring the Giants cover Sunday.)
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that Deena can fit “I Jersey Turn Pike All Night Long” and the first 4 chapters of The Lord of the Rings in gigantic letters across her ass. And because of her giant ass making one of her earlier quotes meaningful in hindsight, this week’s Pauly Quote of the Night award winner is Deena, who drunkenly proclaimed “I’m just going to make myself a hot pocket.”
That’s about all for this week, as admittedly I was distracted trying to figure out if the Meatballs clothes look more like the stage outfits from Stryper’s 1987 “To Hell With the Devil” World Tour, or things Will Smith wore on the first season of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
But before wrapping things up, I’d like to share a public service announcement to any teens reading this recap. I generally tune in to MTV a few minutes or so before the current episode and am bombarded by commercials for online colleges. Check that, not even online colleges, but services to help people find the easiest online college. That’s like a service to help you find the skankiest girl in Karma. But anyway, for you teens out there, if you are actually considering contacting one of the “colleges” or “college search firms” or whatever they are, let me help you out a bit. Rather than contact Free College Easy.com to earn your fake degree in a mere 18 hours, do yourself a favor. Just mail $5 to me, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, and I’ll mail you back a note that says “become a beautician”.
Thanks again for all the fake emails. See you next week.
Written by:
Reese
reesejerseyshore@gmail.com
