So the gang has to wake up at the completely unreasonably early time of 1 pm to meet their tour guide. The tour guide was this fat guy in a suit, with an Amish style beard, wearing a fedora, carrying a megaphone on a yellow string, and wielding a novelty size American flag. Okay everything is totally normal but an American flag? Now you’re just being ridiculous. They go on a walking tour around town looking at art and learning about ancient Italian history. The gang seemed about as interested in art and history as one would reasonably expect of them. I’ve seen kindergartners in special ed schools with longer attention spans. Speaking of bratty, inattentive children, Mike kept sitting down in the corner of the room and not paying attention as some sort of act of defiance. They move to some café where Mike apologizes, buys Jenni an ice cream sundae, and gives roses to Team Meatball. Wait is this Jersey Shore or The Bachelor?
With the gang leaving Italy tomorrow, they decide that it’s important to spend their last night getting to bed early so they can get to the airport at a reasonable time to make their flights. Oh wait, no, that means we have just enough time for another club scene. How practical. Some guy offers to buy Mike, Pauly, and Vinnie drinks. Mike responds by violently threatening, “I’m going to f*** your face.” What an odd response that was. Later, a girl tells Mike she wants to go home with him, to which Mike graciously responds, “Cheers! Thanks for the drink, bro.”
Back at the house, The Meatballs decide to create “an Amazon jungle” by putting all the plants in the house in the house on the kitchen table. I have absolutely no idea what the point of that was. All the plants in the house looked like they hadn’t been watered in months, so all they really did was put a bunch of dead plants together. Was this supposed to be an Amazon jungle or a museum exhibit on global warming? It looked like a poor person’s Christmas in there.
Mike tries to win everyone over by cooking breakfast. Snooki sees right through this and says Mike is only doing it to manipulate the house. Yeah, manipulate them with bacon and cheese omelets. That only makes sense if he’s trying to manipulate them into having the runs on the same day as they have a 12 hour flight. That would be a pretty epic prank. Kids, as someone who used to travel a lot, let me pass this piece of wisdom onto you. If you learn nothing else from me, make sure you remember this: on days where you have a flight, don’t ever, ever, ever eat anything heavy before the flight…EVER. Stick to something light like cereal or a fruit parfait. Eggs and meat is a bad choice. I know the McDonald’s bacon, egg, and cheese bagel with a hash brown sounds a lot more appetizing, but you’ll thank me later when you’re not stuck relieving yourself in the confines of a porter potty the size of a shoe closet and then have to make a walk of shame back to your seat.
Mike decides to make an announcement: “I was contemplating not going but now I’m going.” Now here’s a man who has mastered the art of the dramatic reveal. Just like that, huh? Well, good. I can sleep easier now knowing that Mike isn’t leaving Jersey Shore. I definitely had a few sleepless nights this week wondering what the show would be like if he decided to go. Mike decides to show his abs as some sort of peace offering. I think Snooki had the perfect quote to sum up this season to end the show: “Mike and Ronnie fighting, Vinnie and Pauly not bringing back girls, like this isn’t real life.” Yeah, I’d say that pretty well sums it up.
Well that wraps up season 4. Thanks to everyone for reading this season. I appreciate it. I’d also like to thank Reality Steve for giving me the opportunity to vent my frustrations publicly on a weekly basis. Finally, as much as I like ragging on them, thanks to Mike, Snooki, Deena, Ronnie, Sam, Vinnie, Pauly, Jenni with an “I”, MTV, The Unit, Marco, those 2 random black security guards hiding in the apartment, Jionni, and anyone else who contributed to the show this season. Thank you for providing minutes of entertainment to millions. I guess that’s all. Arrivederci.
Written by:
Jason Rappo
this was the best update yet! Hope you’ll be back for season 5.