JERSEY SHORE – 10/21/11

The show starts off with Mike once again alone and voicing his inner thoughts aloud. He slobbers down a salami sandwich and then goes to watch his cheri amore, Snooki, sleep before he goes to bed himself. Don’t worry; nothing I just described sounded sociopathic at all. The rest of the gang comes home from the club and they decide now is the time to talk to Mike about all their issues with him. Yes, they decide in the wee hours of the morning while still intoxicated from a night of binge drinking that now is the most appropriate time to have a serious discussion with their black sheep roommate who is already sound asleep. Don’t worry; nothing I just described sounded illogical at all. Ronnie tells Mike to make amends for all his wrongdoings or they’re voting him off the island at the next tribal council ceremony. I wonder if season 5 of Jersey Shore will have a Redemption Island theme. I think Mike would thrive on an island by himself with a camera following him around. He’s basically done that half this season anyway. Take away electronics and make him hunt his own food while doing so and now you have some real entertainment.

Ron, Sam, and Pauly are excited to go do their last shift at Luigi’s Pizza. That brings their total shift count this season up to two. Job well done, guys. As usual when someone in the gang is working, they do a bunch of things that people would otherwise ordinarily be fired for but get away with because this is a TV show. Pauly graffiti-tags the wall with, “I’m on break.” I’ll be writing the same thing on my wall in about 50 minutes. Of course, I’ll be using a pencil and not permanent marker like Pauly did because I have respect for my property’s resale value. He then harasses the Italian customers with a megaphone by talking Spanish to them. Marco, the proprietor of the pizzeria, is totally fine with all of this. Hey, with the money MTV paid him for this and the free advertising, I’d happily put up with all their crap too. To quote the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase: “Everybody has a price.” Man, I’m gunna miss making 90s pro wrestling references that alienates like 95% of my audience when this episode is over.

After a long day of doing nothing at the pizzeria, Sammi is naturally horny and takes Ron into the smush room. I hear pizza is quite the aphrodisiac in Italy. They make some joke about Ronnie taking 5 minutes and Sammi doing an in-house walk of shame. Meanwhile, Mike calls his sister. Apparently they call each other “boo”. So either they have an affinity for ghost stories or they just have the creepiest family ever. This turns out to be the most pointless conversation of the show this season (and boy does that say something). Mike tells Melissa that he’s not coming back to Jersey, which surprises her. Well I’d be surprised too considering Mike lives there. So now he’s not going home either? She gives him some generic advice, which has no real bearing on anything that’s going on with the show right now and then he hangs up. Absolutely pointless. Great job this season, Melissa. See you at the ten year reunion.

Jenni calls Roger to complain about feeling sick. She thinks it’s from a night of drinking. I would venture to guess that months and months of not eating so you could lose 20 pounds may have played a minor role in this, but hey I’m not a doctor. Everyone else goes to the club. Team Meatball decides they don’t like the club everyone else is at, so they bounce to a different one. And no, I didn’t choose the verb “bounce” just because Snooki and Deena have round bodies that look like giant bowling balls. “Bounce” also means when you leave one party to go to another. Come on, I’m not that insensitive. At the new club, The Meatballs do their normal routine of dancing by themselves with a giant radius of empty space around them because nobody else wants to be within 20 feet of them. Eventually, this drunk girl joins their provocative dancing. She even shows her vagina to the club and everything. The Meatballs have a moment of self reflection wondering if they’re that bad when they’re hammered? I’ll give Snooki and Deena credit for being realists because they quickly admitted that they are.

Pauly starts walking home with a bar slut looking to get it in. She can barely walk. In probably the most socially responsible moment in the history of the show, Pauly decides to call her a cab to send her home as opposed to proceeding with humping her barely half-conscious body. This was like straight out of an after school special. He’s going home in a few days and will probably never see her again, yet he respected her enough not to take advantage of her while he had the chance. I had to double check to make sure I was still watching Jersey Shore. Respect, dawg. Meanwhile, Team Meatball gets lost on the walk home. On the way, we get our weekly view of Deena’s kooka while she pole dances on a tree. Eventually they find their way home. Deena thanks Snooki by saying, “What’s Meatball #2 without Meatball #1?” A clogged artery?

Marco wants the crew to each bring in a piece of clothing that represents them to hang in his pizzeria. Whew, I thought he would ask for something creepy instead. Nothing creepy about asking for dirty laundry from the 8 worst employees you’ve ever had. Well at least it’s not as bad as when he walked into the bathroom earlier this season to investigate Deena’s period. By the way, really random and pointless observation: watch Jenni during the scene in the pizzeria and the previous scene as they’re leaving the house. She wakes up wearing this short skirt. The next time they show her she’s wearing shorts and a tank top. Then, she’s back to the skirt. Finally, she arrives at the pizzeria in the shorts again. And the editing team drops the ball again; although I have no idea what the point of it was this time? At least when they were editing words into Ronnie’s mouth or putting a fake neck brace on Mike it had some relevance to the storyline. What relevance does Jenni’s outfit have to the story here?

With the gang on their way back to America, they want to try to wean themselves off Italian food: no more pizza, pasta, or wine. Because of course none of those things can be found anywhere in America. So they make hot dogs and hamburgers for dinner instead. They decide they want to go sightseeing before they leave Italy. Wow didn’t I spend like 6 weeks making fun of them for not doing that? Grazie. Mike tells Snooki that he’s not going to Jersey with them. He sounded about as convincing as when he tells girls, “Yeah, I’ve been tested.”