The penultimate episode of the season begins where we left off last week. Snooki is fixing her minor faux paus in telling Jionni prematurely that she did not have sex with Vinnie when in fact she had. “Nicole, you don’t break up with your boyfriend and **** another guy an hour later!” Uhh, you do if you wanna be a female reality star. Paris Hilton does it, Kim Kardashian does it (…err did it; pardon me, I forgot she’s married now to that Frankenstein looking dude from the Nets who creepily shares the same first name as her mom). How does he expect Snooki to maintain her celebrity status beyond Jersey Shore if she isn’t a dirty drunk whore too? Through talent? Blasphemy! Snooki kept violently fanning herself while she was crying during the conversation. I think that was the most subtlety they’ve used in a Snooki fart joke all season. Jionni tells Snooki she can no longer be his girlfriend, but then when Vinnie asks how he took the news, Snooki tells him that “they’re working on things.” Glad to see she’s taking the breakup well and not in denial whatsoever.
Speaking of people who can’t take no for an answer, Deena is once again hitting on Pauly D. How many different ways if he going to have to reject her before she gets the message? And she still thinks she has a chance? Man, she’s a more delusional loser than Philadelphia sports fans. Pauly uses this as motivation to get a girl to come home with him at the club. The first one he meets introduces herself, “Hi, I’m really shy. I bought a dildo today.” That actually would be a pretty decent opening line if she said it with any delivery. That line badly needs a dramatic pause in the middle to really sell the awkward misdirection. Saying it straight through was just an oxymoron. How can you be shy if you’re just telling random strangers (and the TV cameras following them) that you just bought a plastic penis to pleasure yourself with? Somehow even with girls voluntarily discussing their masturbation habits with him, Pauly strikes out at the club. Really, Pauly? It’s like they were serving him beach balls to hit with a tennis racquet and he still couldn’t connect.
Pauly takes out his frustrations by once again turning down Deena’s advances. Deena complains by talking about what a good lay she is. The girls get a good laugh over this. Apparently they didn’t believe it either. Snooki and Deena – Team Meatball – decide to take their minds off their misfortunes by joining a book club and getting started on reading the first book. Unfortunately, they quickly realized that “Moby Dick” was a very misleading title, so they went drinking instead. Deena starts dancing on the table. The only other family in the restaurant starts clapping. Did anyone happen to get a good look at this family? Wow I have never seen 4 people who look that much alike. First of all, the mother, the father, and the son all appear to have the exact same pair of glasses. Do you know how annoying that must be if someone takes their glasses off and leaves them around the house? They probably accidentally switch glasses all the time. What did they get a family discount on the same brand at Lens Crafters? The son looks like a perfect cross-breed between the father and the mother. Kind of beautiful from a scientific perspective but not a pretty sight from the superficial perspective; ugly, ugly kid. The daughter looks exactly like the mother, only she for some reason chose not to wear her glasses. I don’t know if “shrill, bitchy Jewish woman” has a look, but these 2 girls had it written all over them. She also for some reason brought her Asian boyfriend on the family trip to Italy. What kind of family lets their teenage daughter take their boyfriend on vacation abroad? What’s next, Dad? Are you going to actually put the condom on his penis while he deflowers your daughter in the hotel room you paid for? Wow I just realized this family was more fascinating in half a second than the Jersey Shore house has been in 11 weeks.
We’re off to our second club scene in the first 15 minutes of the show. Team Meatball is still drunk from their day activities. Jenni and Sammi complain about having to look after them. Meanwhile, Mike nearly gets into a fight. They didn’t do a very good job explaining what happened. It was just the 4 boys standing in a corner while Mike yelled obscenities across the club. No explanation of what the fight was about or how it started. The bouncers escort the guys out of the club. Vinnie points out that Mike only acts like a tough guy when there are people there to protect him. Hey just like Philadelphia sports fans! Pauly informs us, “I’m into girls, not into drama.” That’s like saying, “I’m into Burger King, but I’m not into calories.”
Speaking of girls and drama…and calories…Team Meatball decides to go off on their own to another club. They do their usual dancing terribly by themselves routine. However, rather than have their dancing scare off men like it usually does, this time it draws a crowd around them. It turns out the guys were only there to make fun of them, but this was still the most attention Deena’s gotten all season so I don’t see why she’s complaining about it? For no reason, the bartender starts throwing ice at the girls. Snooki responds by breaking about 6 bottles that were conveniently lined up in a row right in front of her. Wow that didn’t seem planned at all! Because we all know how bartenders always line up bottles ON the bar where they trust drunken customers with the honor system not to take them. Yeah that always happens. The bouncers immediately eject Team Meatball from the premises, where they go into some rant about how they have manners. Well they did cause a giant mess, but they didn’t show their vaginas to a crowded room, so I’ll call that a wash. The girls come home and decide to go into the jacuzzi with their clothes on. We thank you for that. Then they go out to breakfast, where they manage to fall asleep on the table. The manager then sends them back home. Pauly sees them stumble in and questions, “What do they put in the alcohol in this country?” Um, alcohol? Think you answered your own question, home boy.
Ron decides to make a barbecue dinner for the crew but starts a grease fire. Pauly D was standing right behind him when it happened, but rather than go for the hose or the fire extinguisher, he just screams, “Fire, fire,” over and over again like a five-year old would. Way to make yourself useful. I’m sure your “fire, fire” joke would’ve still been hilarious had the house caught on fire. Ron & Sam go buy food for the house instead. Deena wakes up just in time to eat a sandwich. Jenni asks Deena to help clean up, but she was too busy inhaling her PB&J. Mike tells Deena that she never helps cook or clean. Deena responds by telling him, “I never do anything? Oh yeah, well I can’t stand you.” Way to change the subject. So she basically admits that she is completely useless to the house by resorting to childish name-calling as a response. Wow I’m actually siding with Mike on this one. Proud day of camaraderie for the Manalapan boys. “Be a woman; do some dishes!” Okay and he just as quickly lost me. I mean I kind of agree that if Deena is going to have no goals, ambition, or responsibility that the least she could do is clean the dishes, but this was a little too chauvinistic. He then calls her fat. “I could lose this weight for free. You’d need about 10 grand to fix your face.” What plastic surgeon quoted her on that price? It would take a helluva lot more than 10 grand to fix that mess. I had a way better joke for this involving how Deena finds out that it would cost more than 10k, but I’d have to turn my entire female audience against me to write it. Unlike Mike, I know how to pick my battles.
