JERSEY SHORE – 9/16/11

Written by:
Jason Rappo

We begin week 7 with a scene titled “Mad Pizza.” I heard that was the original title for this show before they settled on “Jersey Shore.” Ron, Snooki, and Jenni head to Luigi’s for another hard day of work. Snooki complains about how much she hates work and tells Jenni they should just do their job of folding pizza boxes really slowly to get through the day. Jenni then lectures Snooki about how important an honest day of work is, and how they need to maximize their job performance so they can make ends meet. Snooki agrees and then proceeds to work more diligently than she’s ever worked in her life. At least that’s what I thought would happen. Instead, the 2 girls just sat there and ate pizza while not doing anything even remotely productive for their job. I’m going to guess it’s not the first time those 2 have sat around eating pizza and doing nothing all day. Has the thought ever crossed anyone else’s mind what these 8 people would be doing with their lives right now had it not been for this show? Uneducated, untalented, unmotivated, below average looking …well I guess they’d probably be on the E! Network instead.

The crew is all excited to be going to Riccione Beach resort this weekend. They’re so excited that they need to go shopping for bathing suits in the middle of their shift. Marco lets them all go on break at the same time so they can go shopping. Now here’s a guy who knows how to run a restaurant: send all your employees on break at the same time during prime lunch hours. Snooki fights with Jionni on the phone again, which leads to Snooki expressing her joy that she’s going on vacation this weekend. Yes, a vacation at the beach, to get away from her vacation in Italy, which is already a vacation from Seaside, which was basically a vacation from her otherwise pointless former life that was headed towards a lifetime of serving Grand Slams at Denny’s or taking drink orders at a go-go lounge somewhere in south Jersey. THANK GOD it’s the weekend because clearly nobody needs a vacation more than Snooki.

So they arrive at this beautiful beach resort. The boys immediately go on their own to eat, where they run into a guy who looks just like The Situation only with a cleaner shirt. The girls go do shots on the beach, and then go shopping. Jenni and Sammi are pissed that Snooki and Deena are drunk. That’s like Jerry being mad at Kramer for being tall. They decide to split off from Deena and Snooki since even they were too embarrassed to be seen around them anymore. They do some fake bull fighting at a bar. Snooki charges Deena, who side-steps, sending Snooki into the bushes. Still that wasn’t bad for a first try. Maybe there’s hope for Snooki’s professional life after-all: with practice she’d probably make an excellent bull.

Deena and Snooki keep dancing at the bar. Somehow their underwear falls off while they’re dancing. I mean I know these girls are probably easy, but their underwear falling off that fast from dancing at a bar was quick even by “Team Meatball” standards. Everyone else goes out together. After 2 hours of eating, Deena and Snooki finally show up. Jenni is mad that they would show up late after they just finished a 6-course meal and are ready to go to the club. Wait hold up: you just ate a 6-course meal and now you’re going to the club? I don’t know about Jenni but eating a 6-course meal doesn’t put me in the mood to dance; it puts me in the mood to take a sh*t.

Time for some night time fun, and you know what that means! This week they went to Riccione Beach to get some R&R on the warm sand surrounding the crystal clear waters that made the Jersey Shore look like the sewage dump that it is. Hey wait a second…they actually did that! I for one am proud of the crew this week. They finally did something somewhat cultural and touristy. They got to experience a part of Italy they had never seen before, take in the sights and sounds, and enrich their lives forever by integrating themselves into the local culture…now it’s time to get wasted!

Deena and Snooki continue to be sloppy, while Sam and Jenni continue to complain about it. Deena forgot her underwear and was basically showing her vagina to anyone who would look. That girl is just getting more and more desperate as the season goes on. “Save it for your cell phone!” screamed Brett Favre. Deena and Snooki end up making out. Well it just wouldn’t be a Jersey Shore episode if they didn’t repeat a storyline they already used earlier this season (the lesbian kiss; not Deena/Snooki per se, Mr.or Mrs. Way Too Technical). They end up going to bed together and sleeping late the next day. Deena wakes up and says she needs something to eat. “Didn’t you eat enough last night?” joked Vinnie. I assume he was talking about that 6-course meal they all ate before the club.

They drive home the next morning. Snooki immediately goes to call Jionni to fess up to him that she’s a lesbian. Jionni didn’t care. Come on you really think a lesbian kiss is going to derail this guy’s fast track to fame? Snooki could probably run over his dog and sleep with his brother (or sister?), and he’d still be OK with it as long as he gets to use the show as a vehicle for a possible body-building or male modeling career.

Mike, Deena, and Snooki head off to work. Mike is actually working hard for a change. He was hell bent to prove my comment from last week about him being untalented wrong. Well you know what, it takes a big man to admit he’s wrong but I was. I apologize, Mike: you can scrub trays and restock refrigerators full of bottles of water with the best of them. And your decision to where a sideways hat and sunglasses while on the job brings a level of professionalism to the job the likes of which Luigi’s Pizzeria has never seen before. Bravo.

Deena and Snooki are off being their normal useless selves. They decide to go hide in some garbage cans instead of working. This would make the second time this season Deena and Snooki hid in some garbage to get out of work, and the 872nd time in her life that someone eventually found Snooki lost in a garbage can. There was actually a third garbage can next to the ones Snooki and Deena were in. I heard there will be a deleted scene on the season 4 DVD where Oscar the Grouch comes out of the third one, sees Deena and Snooki in the other cans, and says, “F*ck this, I’m finally getting a job!”