Written by:
Jason Rappo
So it turns out MTV decided to get tricky and air this week’s episode on Sunday before the VMA’s. I had not realized this until Tuesday morning when someone emailed me and let me know. Thankfully, my DVR picked it up, so I was still able to write the review. Not that it would’ve mattered if I hadn’t recorded it since it’s not like MTV doesn’t re-air the show 43 times during the week or anything. Nevertheless, better late than never, here’s your Jersey Shore week 5 recap.
We pick up week 5 where week 4 left off. Mike, still sporting the Big Bird yellow sweatpants, is yelling at Ron that he doesn’t get involved in people’s relationships. He must’ve been completely serious because he was spitting all over the place as he was yelling. For the sake of their individual healths, I hope everybody around him had their mouths shut while Mike’s mouth was firing mounds of spit in every direction (you can contract sexual diseases from second-hand saliva, right?).
Mike was going crazy in anticipation of throwing down. He started jumping into the wall in a hyper fashion, similar to an over-amped pro wrestler before a match. All of the sudden, Mike falls down and isn’t getting back up. They played it up like he hit his head, although from the clip it looked like his hands took 100% of the impact. They couldn’t have made it look more gimmicked if they tried. So now Mike is awkwardly selling a head injury on a blow to his hands. “This isn’t funny anymore,” says Jenni. I’m sorry, Jenni, but Mike pretending to sell a concussion from jumping into a wall hands first is pretty freaking hilarious. I’ve seen better acting in pornos before…trust me.
Mike immediately jumps back up into full raging lunatic mode and acting as if the head injury never happened. All jokes aside, this was 100% choreographed like a pro wrestling match. I always thought it was funny when pro wrestlers got hit with a chair or kicked in the nuts, and then 5 seconds later they were totally fine when any normal human being would be down for at least several minutes. Mike had a similar miraculous recovery here, as he got over that concussion in about 3 seconds. It’s a shame this wasn’t real because I would’ve loved to have seen Ron hit Mike with a steel chair as he was getting up.
So Mike and Ron finally do tussle. It really didn’t help the real or fake argument that not one punch was thrown. All they did was kind of hold each other down and roll around on the floor like a couple of teenagers wildly making out. One of the worst looking “fights” you’ll ever see. I’ve seen more graphic violence in a game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots. Nice job, MTV hype machine. This blew.
Then things start getting really weird. Out of nowhere these 2 huge black guys in brown shirts come in and break up the fight (if you can even call it that). Just totally out of left field, there are 2 black guys in the apartment. I was completely shocked and confused. I did not see that coming. Like someone needs to explain to me…since when are there any black people in Italy? In all the pictures I’ve ever seen, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one. Italy seems like one of the most segregated countries in the world, but now there’s not one but TWO black guys in the country? A tip of the hat to you, Italy, for breaking down walls tonight. I salute you.
Ron starts yelling at Sam. He tells her she’s worthless to him and that he calls other girls every night. He then says she looks like the debris of a house that got destroyed in Hurricane Irene, and that he’d rather quit the show to work full-time as Snooki’s gynecologist than to have to date her ever again. I thought that was pretty uncalled for, but there’s just no controlling the things that come out of Ron’s mouth when he’s been drinking. Meanwhile, as Ron was berating Sam, Jenni and Snooki start yelling at Sam too by saying she was the only reason everything bad was happening. Deena then started to get involved in the screaming as well, although she wasn’t actually mad at Sam for anything; she was just happy not to be the target of the house for a change.
They call an ambulance for Mike. Jenni is crying that she doesn’t want Mike to die. I know what you expect me to say, but I don’t want him to die either. That would just be cruel. What kind of person do you think I am that I want another human being to die? I’m not a monster! However, I would like for him to actually hit his head on something so you don’t waste the valuable time of the hard-working Italian paramedics. You can’t get a concussion by jumping into a wall hands first. No, I’m not a doctor, but even a third grader knows the head and the hands are not connected. Either this was like a borderline 911 crank call or these kids just need a basic anatomy lesson.
Jenni starts consoling Ronnie and seems to be a calming influence. Sam comes in and the screaming begins again. Jenni was pleading with Sam to leave, “PLEASE LEAVE!” What they didn’t show were the producers standing behind Sam pleading, “PLEASE STAY.” It was like the typical 90s sitcom star at a crossroads with the devil in one ear and the angel in the other. Somehow the devil won for a change and Sam left the room to go to bed. Booooooooooooo. Where’s the fun in that?
Meanwhile the remaining roommates (Snooki, Deena, and Vinny) were talking about absolutely nothing outside. We learn that Snooki used to be a cheerleader in high school. I heard that anti-school spirit related suicides among the students in her school cut in half the year after she graduated. Can you imagine being on that school’s football team the first game of the season? “Oh man, I’m such hot stuff in my varsity uniform with the giant “V” on my sleeves. If we win tonight, I can have my pick of any girl in the whole damn school. [Scanning the cheerleaders as he runs onto the field] I’m gunna bang the hottest cheerleader and [spots Snooki]…wait wtf is that? F*ck this, I’m going back to band [defiantly throws helmet down]!” At least that’s how I would imagine being a high school athlete would’ve been like. I was more of a class clown. My favorite high school story was the time where on my 11th grade physics test I put a recipe for how to make cookies as an answer to an open-ended question and the teacher marked it right. And you know what? I have no idea how to make cookies.
