The party starts off as a touching reunion among friends and family, but like every episode, turns into a drunken mess. Carried over from Season 4, the drama stems from the rumor that Mike hooked up with Snookie, while she was dating Jionni. Conveniently, Rydar and Unit happened to be hooking up in the same room at that time, which is equally disturbing and convenient for this plot. So although Snookie denied the story in Italy, she’s forced to admit it (sort of), as the two witnesses are spending time on the Shore. This leads to a really confusing fight between Snookie, Rydar, Mike and Unit that had more people talking over one another than a Wu Tang concert. Apparently the key to winning an argument in Jersey is to repeat something nonsensical over and over. In this case, the victory goes to Unit, as he dropped the phrase “I got you girl” 107 times.
Snookie, of course, is concerned that Jionni will find out about her and Mike. Mike, being the troll that he is, is purposefully orchestrating this drama. To me, the best part of this whole segment was Ronnie. He starts off by being surprisingly passive by sitting back and observing the drama. Then, being the brilliant strategist that he is, compares the unfolding drama to a chess match. Because if there is one thing that Ronnie knows, it’s backne. I mean, chess.
We also see the seeds for Vinny’s upcoming departure being planted. Basically, he misses his mommy.
And finally, during a commercial break, we learn of a new series coming called “I Want My Pants Back” which focuses on a young man who loses a pair of pants and then has his show cancelled after 3 episodes.
The welcome home party spills back to the house for some more drinks, because clearly, that’s what these people need. But before drinking more, Mike and Unit decide to go upstairs to prep for the rest of the night. (Doesn’t “Mike and Unit” sound like the title to a gay comic strip?) While upstairs, these guys undress, comment on each other’s bodies, exchange moisturizers (which amazingly is not a euphemism) and cover themselves in body spray (also not a euphemism). Much like Mike’s sexuality, this scene was really confusing.
While the attraction between Mike and Unit is ambiguous, the attraction between Pauly and Rydar is pretty blatant. Pauly, being the gentleman that he is, takes a brief pause before nailing Rydar to consider if he should, seeing as Rydar already slept with Vinny. And Unit. So Rydar, congratulations to you and your family, in one episode, we learned that you banged 3 people…on a reality TV show…that airs on Mtv. Your dad must be so proud. As usual, Pauly wins quote of the night with this gem: “First man or last man in, Rydar.” Stay classy, Pauly.
Ok, back to Vinny (reluctantly). Vinny, in his funk, reaches out to Ronnie. So just a quick recap, Ronnie is calm throughout the episode, he makes chess analogies and now he is a shoulder to cry on. I guess they didn’t have steroids in Italy either. Ronnie, in his infinite wisdom, decides that Vinny needs to get back his Seaside Momentum, which I think is code for “gonorrhea.” And the way to get back your Seaside Momentum, according to Ronnie, is a hooker. Is this classic meathead advice or a brilliant evaluation of Vinny’s character and subsequent deduction of what would pacify a grown man who misses his mommy? A juicehead or a modern-day Freud?
In order for Vinny to get some STD’s so he can feel like himself, the cast heads out to a bar. Only problem is they decide to go to a soccer mom bar, which again, is either a really dumb move or a brilliant ploy by Ronnie the Brain to find Vinny a surrogate Mommy for the night. But after getting outdanced by a 40-something (not Mike), Vinny decides it’s time to go home to sulk some more. While moping around on the rooftop terrace, I notice that the couches and chairs are made of fabric, and there doesn’t seem to be a roof. So does it not rain in Jersey or are they sitting on moldy furniture? This ridiculous internal debate ends up being more entertaining than Vinny being sad. By miles.
And that’s the episode. I have to say, I’m REALLY worried about this season. Even with the extra characters, the big plot point revolves around Vinny, the least exciting person on the show? If this is the best the show can do for the season premiere, this may be a loooooooong season.
Until next week…. And remember, first man or last man, Rydar!
Written by:
Reese
reesejerseyshore@gmail.com
Vinny is a little bitch. Seriously? Waah.
Welcome Reese! Hilarious re-cap.
The furniture on the roof bugs me EVERY EPISODE! What’s WITH that? Ok, I admit to having a sofa on our covered back patio in college, but it was for drunken crashing and you couldn’t get me near the thing. Gross. These people are getting too old for this…
No disrespect to the previous writer, but Reese, you’re much more pleasant to read than he was. It actually sounds like you care about what you’re writing. The previous one was kinda just going through the motions.
One thing though, Vinny actually says that they did all they could have in FLORENCE, not Italy. I know because I thought the same, as he started saying it, thinking he’d say “Italy”.