JERSEY SHORE – 1/6/12

Hello loyal readers (both of you!), family, friends, and people who accidentally clicked this link while trying to find out what Bachelorette #7’s favorite movie is (Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion). If you are looking for Bachelor spoilers, this is not the place to be. ALTHOUGH, by tipping a camera guy $20, I learned that this season of The Bachelor will feature a bunch of vapid women pretending to fall in love with a guy they hardly know, in a series of drawn out episodes intended to make you think that, aw shucks, maybe THIS time there will be true love, only to find out, that it wasn’t true love after all. Don’t worry lawyers, the camera guy I bribed didn’t work on the Bachelor, he just has a lot of common sense.

As you may recall, last year Reality Steve had a contest to recruit new writers. Given the massive salary and instant celebrity status involved, Steve was flooded with applications. Well, as a special bonus to you, the loyal readers of this site, this year you will get to read Jersey Shore recaps from a guy who finished, at best, in the top 8 of that contest! The previous guy who wrote the Shore recaps is rumored to have upgraded to a blog about “Shot of Love with Tila Tequila Season 12: Shot of what with whom???” Speaking of Tila Tequila (and frankly, who isn’t?) did you know that the executive producer of Jersey Shore is the same brilliant mind that brought us the original Shot at Love show? This leads to an interesting question: if your first show idea is Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and you are given a chance to pitch a second show opportunity, exactly how badly do you need to strike out the first time to ruin your career at Mtv? Anyone know where the “My Life as Liz” people are these days?

Anyway, we are back with Season 5 of Jersey Shore! Earlier in the week, I said you’d be crazy to expect anything new at this point. Really, the only unknown is which cast member will be the second to appear on Celebrity Rehab (Angelina is clearly the first). But amazingly, there were a few surprises in the first episode.

First of all, I didn’t realize that they filmed Season 4 and 5 back to back. So during a commercial break, I did a little research and apparently all 5 seasons of Jersey Shore actually took place over just 2 weekends in 2003. Since the filming was all bunched together, it was strange that there were noticeable cast changes for Season 5. Like the questionable decision to cast Chaz Bono in the role of Deena. Also, Mike somehow appears to have aged 7 years since the last season. It was always embarrassing, but Mike’s hairline is now entering LeBron James’s hairline levels of ridiculousness. I predict a lot of hats in Mike’s wardrobe this season.

Season 5 picks up with the cast leaving Italy and heading back to Jersey. To say that the cast was giddy about returning to the States is a gross understatement. For example, there are probably a lot of good things about being on the Jersey Shore, but the housing situation can’t be one of them. I’m sure that their house in Seaside Heights is one of the nicer Section 8 properties in Jersey and all, but the inside looks like a mobile home and the beds have the surface area of your standard ironing board. But I guess home is wherever you lay your head… Which I’m willing to bet will involve a urinal for one of the meatballs at some point this season.

While explaining their joy at being home, Vinny tells us they did everything that they could do in Italy. You may recall that on the very last episode of the Italy season, the cast took their one and only sightseeing tour. Obviously “everything there is to do in Italy” means going to crowed clubs and dancing to sh*tty techo music.