When we last the gang last week, Lauren, Lo, and Audrina went out to a lunch at a street café in downtown LA to talk about their relationships. After complaining about Justin Bobby, they girls met Brody at a club somewhere where a drunken Audrina went home with him instead of to her boyfriend…I’m sorry I just miss it sometimes. Instead, Snooki fought with her boyfriend and slept with Vinnie. The chain of events causes Snooki to wake up early the next day and then immediately wake up Jenni because she doesn’t want to eat alone. That seems completely unnecessary since just by looking at Snooki I’d gather that she never really had a problem eating when other people aren’t around. Jenni asks Nicole where she’s been, saying she looked everywhere for her. You know, everywhere except the only other room in her house. What a thorough investigation that must’ve been.
Jenni tells Snooki that she’s mad at Mike since Mike was telling everyone he hooked up with Snooki. Didn’t they already fight over that in like the 2nd episode? And the 3rd episode? And the 6h episode? They might as well just do an entire 60 minute episode of the 8 of them literally beating a dead horse with a stick. Watching them figuratively do it is taking the life out of me. No worries, as it looks like they’re going to add a new wrinkle to this plot by introducing a new character: Mike’s friend, “The Unit.” What does Randy Johnson have to do with Mike banging Snooki? “Unit”…really? What is he a district attorney or something? Unit…………..Unit………..…just wow. So Mike calls…ugh, Unit, to corroborate his story. Unit provides absolutely no new details other than saying, “Uh huh yeah,” to anything Mike said. He just said those three words the whole time. Who knew a guy named Unit could be so articulate? This settles everything!
Snooki and Jen go to breakfast. They got served mimosas by a waitress, who looked exactly like Natalie Imbruglia in the music video from the song “Torn.” Then again, I haven’t seen Natalie Imbruglia since “Torn” so that might’ve actually been her working in that restaurant. Natalie plops two mimosa’s down on the table, where Snooki proceeds to take both. I get that Snooki has a drinking problem and they probably thought this would be a funny way to show it, but what sense does it make to order 2 mimosa’s at a time? Isn’t the one you’re not drinking just going to cool down to room temperature while you drink the first? Wouldn’t it have just been easier to drink one and then when you’re almost done, order the second? It’s not like there was anybody else in the restaurant. I’m sure Natalie Imbruglia could’ve made you a fresh one just in time for you to finish the first. But no, you need to have two right now just to show off your drinking problem by being the hot mess who orders two drinks at once for breakfast. Use logic, people.
Mike is still upset about his fight with the love of his life, Snooki. So upset, in fact, that he walks around the house speaking his innermost thoughts out loud. I’m sure he does that all the time when there aren’t cameras following him, too. He devises a plan where he’s going to tell everyone in the house a lie and see who rats it out first. “I’m going to prove that you can’t believe everything you hear.” Isn’t that the exact opposite of what he should be proving? Don’t they all already not believe a word Mike says? So he’s going to gain their trust by telling another lie? What about when you reveal to everyone that your lie that you presented as truth is actually a lie? If the point of the game is don’t believe what you hear, how will they know that the truth is not actually the lie? Use logic, people.
Mike tells Ron that he gave Unit, Jionni’s phone number to tell him what happened. As luck would have it, Mike notices Sam walking by the room when he says it. Of course, Mike’s back was to the door when he was telling Ron and he was standing on an angle nowhere adjacent to the door opening, but he was still able to see Sam walking by. You know, with the eyes in the back of his head. You know the eyes in the back of his head that can also see through walls. Sam immediately tells Deena. She re-told the story saying Mike called “The Unit”. She actually put the, “the” in there. Come on, girl, “Unit” is one thing, but “The Unit?” Now you’re just being ridiculous.
Snooki and Jenni were walking around town. Snooki does a cartwheel while wearing a short skirt. Can she go five minutes without showing a stranger her vagina? You know somewhere out in TV land there’s a group of hammered frat boys who created a drinking game where they take shots everytime we see Snooki expose herself. Snooki buys a gigantic bottle of wine. She puts it on top of her suitcase (why does she have a suitcase to go to breakfast?) that she’s dragging behind her. Eventually it falls off and breaks on the ground. “Como se dice ‘this sucks balls’?” “Que es Snooki?” Oh wait, we’re not playing Spanish Jeopardy? Ay caramba, I even remembered to answer in the form of a question.
Back at the house, Mike reveals his diabolical plan to Pauly. He told him that Ron had already told Sam before he even left the house. This is a completely 180 from 10 minutes ago when Mike told us in the diary room that he knew Sam was walking by when he said it. So it turns out he doesn’t have eyes in the back of his head. Sam comes home from work and immediately tells Snooki and Jen. So does that mean she wins Mike’s game of “who’s the rat”? Or since she believed the lie does that mean Mike won Mike’s game? The rules of this game are more confusing than Mahjong. Snooki starts hurling everything by the kitchen sink at Mike. He could’ve been seriously injured (you know like that time he got a concussion from throwing his hands into a wall) from a flying wine bottle, but at least he accomplished his goal of proving Sam was a rat. Seems worth it.
