Written by:
Jason Rappo
We start off with Snooki waking up and trying to call Jionni. She was stunned when she kept getting voicemail. She could not fathom why he would not pick up. Hey, genius: he just left Italy like 8 hours ago. Did you think he’d get service in the sky or something? This reminds me of this one girl I once went out with many years ago who texted me 3 times before I got home from our 1st date asking if I got home safely (it was like a half hour drive). Let’s just say say there was no second date. Of course, she wasn’t a big TV star and I wasn’t starving for fame, so it’s not like I had ulterior motives to see her again. I assume Jionni will reappear at some point tonight because he ::cough:: really cares about her.
Pauly, Deena, and Ron are working the counter at Luigi’s. They were all complaining about hangovers. I would assume waking up with a hangover for Pauly and Ronnie is like morning wood at this point – pretty much a daily occurrence (unless they’re on steroids, in which case, nevermind). Pauly says he likes to mess with people when he’s hung over. He then proceeds to throw someone’s pizza on the floor. I don’t know if they were really desperate for help at the pizzeria when this show was taped or if they fired a bunch of people just to hire the Jersey Shore crew to gain exposure on TV, but either way I think it’s appropriate to say, “THE SCABS ARE HERE!”
Snooki is still crying over Jionni in her diary room interviews. She says she’s going to go look for him. She immediately gets side-tracked when she comes across a bar. Somehow in her great depression and sadness, she musters up the courage to dance by herself like an empowered drunken fool. I like how she was so intent to finding her boyfriend, yet immediately forgets about him the second she sees a bar. ADD much? I think you could probably get Snooki to sell her soul for the melted ice from a previously drank vodka orange. Snooki calls this the worst day of her life. Well she got arrested last year, and there was once a time where she wasn’t on TV and was just being a crazy bitch dancing by herself in a bar without getting paid hundreds of thousands to do it, but no THIS is the worst day of her life. She then laments to herself that she needs to change herself if she’s ever going to get married. Wow that’s about the most honest piece of self-introspection in the history of reality TV. Step one is to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem, right? This is a Dr. Drew appearance away from becoming Celebrity Rehab, and given how Dr. Drew seems to show up on everything these days, that’s probably not that far down the line on this show.
Snooki is still moping when Jenni and Sammi come around to console her. Sammi drops the gem of a line: “Your hair looks perfect, that dress is cute. So what if your face is a mess?” No, I did not write that line for Sammi. That was pretty much the best thing to come out of Sammi’s mouth since the last time Ron eja…on second thought let’s not go there. Jenni decides that since Snooki couldn’t get in touch with Jionni, she’ll try. So she calls Jionni and he answers. Wait what? Didn’t Snooki just call him from the same phone? So you’re telling me he was intuitive enough to know the first few times that number called that it was Snooki calling, yet knew this time that it was Jenni calling from that number? Holy crap does this guy have ESP or something? Who knew Jionni was so clairvoyant?
So after some bickering, Jionni tells Jenni to bring Snooki to the train station to meet him. Wait what? He left in a cab in the middle of the night. Since then Snooki has had time to sleep, wake up, get dressed, go get drunk at a bar, come home, cry to herself, get drunk again, cry to her roommates, and have that phone call with Jionni. I’ll make a conservative estimate and say that probably took a minimum of 12 hours. What the hell has Jionni been doing for the last 12 hours that he’s only now getting to the train station? We know it’s not because he’s slow; we saw how fast he ran last week when Jenni was chasing after him for twenty minutes. Is the train station 12 hours from the house? Is he now going to wait another 12 hours for Snooki to get to the train station? Also, why did he go to a train station and not the airport? Where does this guy all of the sudden have the time and resources to go backpacking around Italy? If he was so pissed off, why didn’t he just go home? “Man, I’m so angry at my girlfriend for being a drunken whore in public! I can’t believe I came all this way to see her and she makes a fool out of me! I never want to see her again! I just wanna go home and pick up the pieces in my life…but I can’t leave without seeing The Colosseum first.” When in Rome, right? By the way, Jenni and Snooki walked to the train station in about 25 seconds. I guess we’ll never know what Jionni did for the other 11 hours, 59 minutes, and 35 seconds.
Pauly and Vinnie build an erection on Deena’s bed…no, not that kind of erection. I don’t think any guy has ever built that kind of erection on Deena’s bed. This erection was of all Deena’s stuff piled on top of some furniture they stacked up. This actually was a vast improvement over the house’s normal prank of repeatedly sticking half naked sluts in Mike’s bed. Deena confronts Vinnie when he’s in the shower. He responds by running out of the shower and humping his naked penis onto a fully-clothed Deena. It would’ve been perfect if at this moment Pauly walked in and proclaimed, “THE CRABS ARE HERE!” Are you sensing a theme to this week’s column? Well don’t: I’m out of words that end in “-abs.”
So we’re 24 minutes in and it’s about time for a club scene. It’s also time for our first appearance on the episode of Mike. Is that a record for this show? When he finally came on camera for the first time, he was so excited that he screamed, “THE ABS ARE HERE!” What? I said I was out of words the end in “-abs,” not words that are only “abs.” Deena is afraid she might be pregnant. Jenni – knowing a thing or twenty about what to do with unwanted pregnancies – immediately suggests they get a pregnancy test. The pharmacy was closed, so Jenni rings the doorbell. Somebody answers them through this little sliding hole in the door that looked like a viewing window in a rubber room. That was just weird. Can’t see how that would ever be necessary for a pharmacy? So Deena pees on the stick and it turns out she’s not pregnant. Shocker! I think Deena concocted the fake pregnancy scare just to give the illusion that she’s sexually active to us all. The girl is clearly desperate to clean up (dirty up?) her image after the way she’s been rejected constantly the last few weeks. What better way to do it than to pretend you’re pregnant? Nice one, Deena.
