Written by:
Jason Rappo
So we start where we left off last week. Snooki is being taken away in a cop car for allegedly hitting that same cop with her car, despite both cars being completely devoid of any damage whatsoever. The boys go to pick them up at the police station. Pauly is worried that they will all be kicked out of Italy. Why is that a concern of his? What are the 8 of them a package deal? If Snooki got banned from Italy, why would the rest of them get banned from Italy? Anyway, the boys bail the girls out and Snooki escapes with nothing more a slap on the wrist.
By the way, I’d like to apologize in advance if this turns out to be a short column. I had 11 hours of classes today, and still have homework due in the early afternoon tomorrow that I haven’t finished. On top of that, I’m dealing with some minor personal issues of my own right now. I almost called out sick this week because frankly I just wasn’t in the mood to write a “humorous” column tonight. Instead, I’m going to try and fight through this, but understand I just can’t put the usual time I put into this article this week since it has such an early deadline at noon Friday. So please don’t complain that I mailed it in this week. I’m not a Jersey Shore producer for god’s sake.
Snooki talks to Jionni on the phone. Jionni drops the bomb that Roger can’t come to Italy now because he can’t get off work. Snooki tells Jenni and Sammi. Sammi repeatedly calls this “bullsh*t.” Yeah! How dare he turn down an optional free trip to Italy being paid by MTV all because he has obligations at his real job, which he needs to pay for his basic necessities in his real life! How dare he not just have a job on a reality show that allows him to drop everything anytime he wants, and get paid bundles of cash to have a couple of cameras shoot him complaining about his relationship while being force fed margaritas at a club every night like Sammi does! That is bullsh*t! Can you believe the nerve of this guy? By the way, Jenni had some sort of ribbon on top of her hat that made her look like a giant present. I just hope whoever gave her as a gift kept the receipt.
The boys and girls go out separately. They drank, they danced, pretty much the same things you’ve seen countless times before. Mike has a former one night stand, Brittany, show up unannounced when only Snooki is home. Snooki decides to prank Mike by letting her in and hiding her in Mike’s bed to surprise him when he comes home with another girl. Wait, didn’t we already see this prank earlier this season? Can this show do anything original? For her next prank, Snooki is gunna put Sammi’s mattress on the roof and replace it with a pile of money from her own bank account. Yep, that’s the same joke I used earlier this season when Ronnie ran this exact prank on Mike. If this show is just gunna keep repeating the same stories, I’m just gunna start repeating my own jokes. Believe me: this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you. Mike comes home with a girl, who he immediately sends home when he finds Brittany in his bed so he can have sex with her. Another successful prank in the Jersey Shore house.
Snooki is getting ready for Jionni’s arrival. “I don’t wanna look fat or gross for him.” I’ll bet you’re probably thinking I’m going to say something about Snooki’s horrifying face or her unbalanced weight: height ratio, but I’m gunna take the high road here. See, I’m not such a bad guy. Snooki preps the smush room with Febreeze to “get rid of diseases.” I think it’s gunna take a lot more than Febreeze, sister. So he arrives and they smush. This was ripping Mike’s heart out since as he’s stated many times he’s in love with Snooki. Oh wait, Mike didn’t give a crap. I’m sorry is that storyline over already?
At the club, Jionni and Snooki are enjoying each other’s company. Snooki was wearing this tight pink and black dress that made her look like a giant ladybug. Jionni hugs Snooki and seductively whispers in her ear, “I’ve never loved something so much in my life.” Of course, he was staring at the cameraman when he said it, but why burst Snooki’s bubble by telling her? Snooki starts telling us how she plans to marry him. Then she starts dancing by herself and lifting her dress up as she did it. “Eww gross,” cried Jionni. Marrying Snooki would be like the old cliché about trying to turn a ho into a housewife. Seriously, what possesses someone to dance like that? “Oh my god, I love this song so much. I just wanna get out on the dance floor and show my vagina! Whooooooooooooo!” Jionni leaves the club in anger and starts walking away. Ron tried telling him to come back, but he didn’t want anything to do with Snooki and just kept walking away. I think he was walking back to New Jersey. Snooki and Jenni start fighting because Snooki is being a dirty, drunk whore. “Takes one to know one,” replied Snooki to Jenni. “Touche,” said Jenni.
Jionni eventually does come back to the house. Snooki comes running downstairs to greet him, but he just walks right past her. In an unintentionally funny moment, he walks right past a producer on his way up the stairs. He immediately locks himself in the bathroom. Since when did he turn into a hooker hiding from Charlie Sheen? Well I guess if Jionni doesn’t wanna play Snooki’s boyfriend on the show anymore, they could always replace him with Ashton Kutcher, right?
Jenni calls Jionni a “d*ck” for leaving because of a simple argument. “What does that say about you?” That he doesn’t like his girlfriend showing her hoo-ha to all of Italy? Dude, have you not seen this show before? Snooki shows her hoo-ha all the time. She’s a pubic figure… I mean public figure. You should’ve done your research before pursuing a relationship with her. If having your girlfriend show her vagina to an entire country is a hot button issue with you, you probably shouldn’t be dating Snooki in the first place. It’s gunna happen one way or another. Unless of course your sole motivation is to use her as a catalyst to fame, in which case he’s actually doing a pretty good job here. This episode gives him plenty of footage for his reel that shows off a range of emotions. I’m sure his agent’s voicemail was probably full with offers this morning.
Jionni leaves in a taxi while Snooki is crying to end the episode. I think he had a commercial shoot for a fat burner early the next morning that he needed to get to. Cha ching! Again, I apologize for the shorter column this week. Cya guys next Friday.
Jason
Jason, my father told me to never start with an apology. Come on dude!
anyone else think Jionni is gay?
maybe it’s just me but i feel like this column could be so much more. The kardashians is only a half hour long but Bill puts in at least 3 pages. It’s still a good column, just wish it was longer.