JERSEY SHORE – 8/26/11

Ron and Sam go to dinner. Nothing really eventful in this conversation, other that when Sam said Ron was getting laid tonight, Ron said, “Winning.” God damnit are we back to this again? That line just will not die. Someone in one of my fantasy football leagues this season named his team “Sheen Machine” and in his space for trash talk he wrote, “winning”. Six months ago called, they want their joke back. Do people really still think “winning” is funny? Even Sam told Ron not to start with that crap. Respect, girl. She hasn’t been this happy in 20 years. She’s not gunna let Ron ruin that high for her by repeating the most over-used catch phrase of 2011. By the way, over/under on the number of times “winning” is said during the upcoming Charlie Sheen roast? I’ll set the line at 24.5. Bet the under; I dare you.

Time for a little night time action and you know what that means! This week they rented sailboats off the coast of San Remo and held a wine and cheese tasting on the deck as they coasted on the pristine waters of the Italian Riviera. No wait, I’m sorry, I must’ve drifted off for a second; they went to a club. I guess they must’ve changed their minds at the very last second.

So at the club Ronnie is dancing on a table. There were a couple of “fat girls” (his words, not mine) dancing right next to the table. Sammi sees this, but in the ultimate twist she was totally fine with it and told Ronnie to have a good time. Just kidding, she threw a hissy fit and started a fight with Ron. Ron said that fighting with Sam when they’re drunk is like throwing kerosene on a fire. I consider it more like dousing yourself with water before jumping in a fire. You know you’re gunna get ignited either way, but the water at least helps you not feel the burn quite as bad. I would imagine the alcohol has a similar positive effect for anyone who enters a relationship with Sam. Sam starts bitching again, so Ron decides to take out his fire extinguisher and put out the fire…err I mean he broke up with her. I’m just gunna stop speaking in metaphors now because I’m confusing myself.

Back at the crib, Ron is on the phone with his friend, TJ, talking about how he doesn’t put the p*ssy on a pedestal; he puts it on the couch or the floor where it belongs. That’s about the oddest sexual position I’ve ever heard of. How do you expect to have sex with her if you’re up on this pedestal and the vagina is on the floor? Shenanigans. By the way, Ron’s hand had 2 bandages on it during this phone call, so once again this scene was clearly edited out of order, as the fight hadn’t even happened yet. Unless, of course, Ron cut up his hand in a masturbating incident on top of his lonely pedestal, in which case the editing was chronologically accurate. He was also sweating bullets during the phone call, but then again that could also be considered inconclusive evidence in the argument of fist fight vs. weird pedestal masturbation.

Time for our big Ron/Sam blowup at the crib. In a callback to last week, Sam tells the camera, “I haven’t been this unhappy in 7 days, and I’m not even joking.” It’s like the day after she read “Everybody Poops” all over again. The fight was all the usual stuff. Sam did bring up that line of Mike’s from a few weeks ago where he was talking about bringing some girls back to the house during Sam’s Ron Intervention. Ron gets mad that Mike is playing both sides of the house. As current head of household, Ron is now seriously considering putting Mike up for eviction this week. I think the plan is to put up Pauly as a pawn to make sure they have the votes to evict Mike, but we’ll see what happens during the veto competition. Wait sorry that’s the wrong show.

So Ron starts screaming at Mike. Mike is just lying on the couch and has no idea why this is happening. I know you think I would probably take this time to make fun of Mike’s wardrobe like I do every week (2 weeks ago the unexplained Mr. Peanut walking stick, last week the Barney-colored hoodie, and this week the Big Bird yellow sweatpants), but I will not be doing that anymore as Abercrombie has paid me to stop telling jokes about Mike’s wardrobe, so let’s just move on. Sam comes in and reiterates what she told Ron about what Mike had previously said. They kept showing the flashback of that scene, but Mike still denied that it ever happened. Certainly lowers Mike’s credibility in the “Did Mike bang Snooki?” debate.

True story, by the way: I was at a poker room in Pennsylvania last weekend visiting some old friends. I don’t think I’ve mentioned before that I used to be a professional poker player for 4 years before I went back to school last year. So anyway I saw a ton of my former very good friends who I hadn’t seen in over a year. You know what the first thing they asked me was? Not how’s school; not how’s your internship; not how’s life in the real world. No, the first thing they asked me was, “Who do you think is lying: Mike or Snooki?” Nice to see you guys, too…but hey thanks for reading!

So everyone starts getting really mad. Ronnie starts destroying Mike’s room. Mike’s mood slowly changes from calm to screaming, “YOU WANNA GO?” We’re talking like a full Hulking-up transformation here, a la Hulk Hogan at the end of all his matches. He told Ron he was gunna “layeth the smacketh down on all your candy asses.” Then he took off his elbow pad to indicate to Ron he was gunna give him the People’s Elbow. We get it, Mike, you’re “The People’s Champion” and full of original material. Just fight already.

Unfortunately, the show cuts off right before they come to blows. Tune in next week to Monday Night Raw to see the exciting street fight between Mike and Ron with special guest referee “Nature Boy” Ric Flair (man that guy will do just about anything for a paycheck these days). As usual, leave comments here or send emails to discuss. See you guys next week.

Jason