JERSEY SHORE – 8/26/11

Written by:
Jason Rappo

We begin with everyone waking up from last week’s events. Snooki has a sleep mask that says “totally trashed” on it. That wasn’t so much a vanity mask as much as it was a message for the local garbage men to do their jobs. Mike and Vinny get rid of the twins separately. Vinny chastises Deena for stealing his twin in the middle of the night, saying they weren’t tag teaming her right because Deena took the girl out of Vinny’s bed; she “tag robbed” her. Nevertheless, the team of Deena and Vinny have already won more tag team matches than The Bushwackers ever did (look it up, kids).

The boys all go out to eat. Mike tells the story of his hookup with Snooki, although it was impossible to hear everything since the censors were going wild. Mike swore on his sister, Melissa – WHO OMG WAS IN MY SIXTH GRADE CLASS!!! – that he wasn’t lying. He then referred to himself as “the people’s champion”. He then raised the people’s eyebrow, looked directly into the camera, and told Jionni to know his role and shut his mouth before he takes him to the Smackdown Hotel. The waiter then came to take their order. Mike asked what the waiter’s name was, but then before he could answer screamed, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” Yep, that’s two pro wrestling references in two paragraphs. This should be a fun week!

Meanwhile, the girls were having their own meal and gossiping about the boys. Let’s see if I can get an Alundra Blayze or Trish Stratus reference in here? Nope, this was pretty uneventful. One interesting thing I did find: Jenni was wearing this ridiculously over-sized hat during the meal, like the type of over-sized hat a forty+ year old woman wears when she takes her kids to the beach. The type of woman who also wears mom jeans and drives a minivan. Then in the very next scene, after the girls supposedly left breakfast, they show Jenni shopping for and purchasing the very hat she was just wearing. Great job of editing. I’m surprised they weren’t eating lunch back in Seaside in the next scene before heading off to a club in Miami in the next.

Snooki decides to call Jionni to let him in on what’s been going on with Mike. She was afraid that with Mike going around the house telling people that he supposedly hooked up with Snooki that somehow Jionni – who is back in America — would find out through the grapevine. She still denies anything ever happened, yet it took her 3 months after the incident supposedly took place to say anything. Why now? Anyway, Jionni didn’t care. He knew that he couldn’t blow up on her over the phone because then he’d never get to make his big TV debut in a few weeks when he comes to Italy. Then what would be the point of dating Snooki? Kind of like Emilio from season 2 trying to use his appearance on the show to jump-start his reality TV career or that guy who proposed to Snooki on a magazine cover last year. If you’re gunna date Snooki, save the good stuff for when the cameras are rolling. Smart man.

They all have a team dinner. The girls decide they want to role play by dressing up in big hats (see Jenni two scenes ago) and wearing dresses that show off their boobs. How on earth did they ever find outfits that did that? I’m surprised they were able to find anything. I thought they’d have to go shopping for new clothes. Outfits that show cleavage? “What a rare treat,” said the liar.

A whole bunch of fighting ensues over Deena being a c*ckblock. While Deena goes to cry on the balcony (over c*ckblocking…seriously crying over it), Pauly and Vinny prank Deena by moving her mattress twenty feet to the living room. Didn’t I joke about that last week? Oh that’s right, my joke was about Ronnie’s crappy pranking skills. This week is just about Vinny and Pauly’s tame, average pranking skills. You know what, rather than address that, why don’t I just share an anecdote of a prank I pulled today?

There’s this very beautiful girl who works the front counter of a coffee house I frequent. Recently we have begun a bit of a flirtation. To steal a phrase, she’s totally DTF, which I assume means “Down To Fornicate with after three or four dates in nice restaurants and I spring for a hotel because there’s no way I’m taking her to my parents’ house where my mom, the eavesdropper, lives”. The only problem is that she is 17. I am 24, and frankly that’s just way too big of a difference for me (I mean was she even alive when The Bushwackers were culturally relevant?), but I was still conflicted because…well she’s really hot. Remember, if Mark Sanchez taught us anything it’s that 17 is legal in New Jersey, so technically I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. Anyway, I told my good friend, let’s call her Jenny with a y, about my crisis of conscience as she was leaving the place. She confirmed that I shouldn’t bother with girls that young and said I needed to stay strong. She then told me to text her when I left the place tonight to confirm that I didn’t give in to temptation. Instead, I set off on a crusade to convince her that not only did I ask her out, but that we had a long conversation leading me to already have strong feelings for her and now I was pissed at myself for falling so fast for something so wrong. This went on for 45 minutes of her judging and consoling me before I made the big reveal by saying, “I wanna take her somewhere special where she’ll feel comfortable. Do you think I need a reservation for Chuck E Cheese on Friday nights?” Hi, “Jenny”! Feel stupid now? I just embarrassed you in front of tens of readers.

And for the record, no, I will not be asking this 17-year old girl out anytime soon because I have a little something called morals, a**holes…stupid, cruel, depriving-me-of-anything-fun morals. Damn you, Mom and Dad, for raising me well.

Everyone is freaking out about the prank. Deena feels unwanted. Pauly begins yelling at Deena for turning into a c*ckblock. This was officially the longest and most dramatic televised argument about c*ckblocking in TV history. The previous record of course was that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry takes his girlfriend to see “Schindler’s List” so they could make out, although they were a lot more subtle about the actual concept of c*ckblocking. Anyway they all made up and everyone was happy, especially me since I will hopefully never have to type that damn asterisk ever again.

Ron is still talking on the phone with Hannah from back home. Don’t worry, everyone, we all saw how happy he and Sam were last week. I’m sure Ron and Hannah are just friends, and everything with him and Sam are still blissful. “It’d be much better if you were here. You can stay in the house. It won’t be an issue.” Well so much for that.