JERSEY SHORE – 8/19/11

Written by:
Jason Rappo

Week three begins in rather bizarre fashion. Mike is in bed with the same whore from last week. He then calls her a cab and sends her home. Mike starts telling us how tired he is, as he goes to sleep on the couch patio. The problem is that a pigeon keeps flying down onto the couch causing Mike to fall off the couch. Here’s my question: if you’re so tired and need to sleep so badly, why don’t you just GO BACK TO THE BED YOU WERE JUST SLEEPING IN!?!? Why the hell do you continue to try and fall asleep on an outdoor patio when you have a perfectly good bed inside that you were sleeping in ten minutes before? I know “bed hopping” is listed under the activities section of Mike’s resume, but if you’re just going to keep getting woken up by a pigeon, maybe you should just take the hint and go back inside. This isn’t rocket science. By the way, it’s just my luck that the one time I actually do want a pigeon to take a crap on something it’s flying over, it fails to leave its mark on Mike’s giant target of a forehead. It’s just like how the only times I ever want the light to be red when driving (like when I’m texting or eating) are the only times it’s ever green. Life sucks.

Ron and Snooki have breakfast before going to the gym. We learn that Snooki drinks wine before all of her workouts. Let that be a lesson to all the girls at home. If you want to get results and look like Snooki, start drinking wine before all your workouts. In an unrelated note, water and Gatorade sales among women at gyms across the country went through the roof this morning.

Snooki then worked out with this old Italian guy. The guy was wearing a scarf, had thick reading glasses on top of his head, and had arms smaller than Mike’s steroid reduced testicles. He sat behind her while she did rows on the bench, where Snooki complained that she felt “his wiener”. At no point did it ever occur to her that this guy might not be a personal trainer. Then again, at no point did it ever occur to him to take the hot dog out of his pocket when he sat down behind her (give it a second…). By the way, did anyone else notice that when they went into the gym it was morning, but when they left it was night? I’m guessing they left the part where Snooki passed out for eight hours from all the wine while doing reverse crunches out of the final edit.

Time for some after hours fun, and you know what that means! This week they went for quiet gondola rides on the canals of Venice while being serenaded by a native Venetian man singing “That’s Amore”. No, sorry, my DVR switched to the Travel Channel for a second; they went to a club. Maybe next week we’ll finally catch them doing something different for a change. Oh yeah, nothing interesting happened.

Back at the pad, Mike calls his booty call from this episode 5 minutes ago. He tells Snooki the only reason he’s calling the whore is because Snooki has a boyfriend but he still loves her. Jeez talk about a cop out. That’s like getting pulled over by a cop and saying, “Yes, officer, of course I know the speed limit is 65 and I totally respect the law, but I had to do 100 anyway because I just assumed there were no fine cops like yourself around.” It’s just too bad Snooki couldn’t write Mike a ticket for being an a**hole.

Deena took a guy home from the club. They start kissing in Deena’s room only to be interrupted by Pauly and Vinnie. Deena loses it on them. She starts screaming that she “wouldn’t give a f*** if either of you were f***** a girl”. Pauly — always quick with the witty comebacks — fired back with, “That’s good, my dude, ‘cause I don’t give a f**** about f****** you.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but I can read minds.

Deena tells the guys that she was only going to cuddle with the guy and not have sex with him. When she gets back to the room, her guy says he wants to go home. He tells her, “Wait just cuddling? Sorry, I only came back here to have sex with yous, or at the very least to use the TV exposure to jump start my career as an announcer in those new Stromboli-maker infomercials (that’s like Shamwow in Italy). What yous think I didn’t notice all the cameras, microphones, and producers following us around? Yous think I came back here just because I thought yous were a nice girl I wanted to get to know better? The thought of only cuddling with yous makes my sausage shrink, capiche? I’m outta here.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but remember I can read minds (and interpret authentic Italian dialect).

So Mike met some twins at the club who kept calling the house. Ronnie decides to prank Mike by inviting them over while he was sleeping. Yeah, Mike, these 2 hot twins you met at a club are about to come to your house and possibly join you in bed. Joke’s on you. Good one, Ronnie! For his next prank, Ronnie will take Vinnie’s mattress, put it on the roof, and then replace it with a pile of money he withdrew from his own bank account.

It’s time for Ron and Sam to have a talk about their relationship. Had to double check the TV Guide info, which shockingly confirmed that this is in fact a NEW episode. Sammi is pleading her case about being different than she was in Jersey. “I wanna be with Sam, but I kinda want her to be someone else.” Holy contradictions, Batman! That’s like if I said I enjoy watching this show, but I really wish I was watching something else. See how the two together just don’t make any sense? Why don’t you just say what you really meant? “I wanna be with Sam, but only if she changes that wretched, disgusting, manipulative, sucking-the-life-out-of-everyone-around-her personality that I despise more than anything.” Was that so hard to say?

Anyway, they eventually decide to get back together. Sam says that she hasn’t been this happy in 20 years. I found that weird given that Sam is like 24. So the last time she was happy was when she was four? That would mean that she was miserable all of grade school, high school, her sweet sixteen, college, the casting process for a hit TV show, not to mention the first 46 times her and Ron dated. What the hell happened at four that made her so happy that no event in the next twenty years could match the high she got from it? I, personally, read “Everybody Poops” for the first time when I was four. So you’re telling me she hasn’t been this happy since she first learned the truth that EVERYBODY poops twenty years ago? It was just that enlightening! Up until now, poop was the highlight of her life. It’s just all been downhill from there for poor Sammi Sweetheart, but today that all changes! Good for you, girl. Way to get your life out of the toilet.