JERSEY SHORE – 8/12/11

Mike brings a girl home to fornicate with. Snooki calls her ugly and a whore to Vinnie. This lead to Mike and Snooki discussing their feelings for each other again. Mike — once again speaking a lot quieter and slower than usual — professes his love, moments after sex with another girl. I guess timing is not his thing. Snooki was shaking her head faster than…well than Pauly and Vinnie were shaking their heads at the thought of Deena earlier. The scene ended with the camera shooting back and forth between the two of them staring at each other. I 100% thought I was watching The Hills again for a second. I kept thinking to myself, “Man, Audrina and Brody look terrible these days.”

Everyone sans Ron and Snookie go to breakfast. At least they said it was breakfast. It pretty quickly turned into an intervention for Sam to stop talking about Ron. Everyone took turns telling her how much they hate her when she’s talking about Ron or letting him affect her. Just when it looks like they all broke through to her and she’s ready to move on, Mike chimes in with, “Ron was so funny last night. He’s like ‘watch me bring home 5 girls tonight.’” Timing is really just not his thing. Sammi looked super pissed. She gave Mike the same “WTF” look that Mike probably gave the producers when they told him he had to pretend to be in love with Snooki.

Back at the apartment, Mike – who for some reason is now walking around with a Mr. Peanut walking stick – tries to cuddle with Deena. Yes, the roommate of the girl he’s supposedly in love with. Have I mentioned that timing is really not his thing? Deena had been abused so hard in this episode that I thought for sure she would give in at the first sign of a male giving her attention, but in the ultimate twist, she rejects Mike and goes for a cigarette instead. That’s right, Mike. The girl who can’t hold her booze and has been laughed at by like 4 different guys in this episode at the proposition of sleeping with her just chose life-shortening emphysema over lying in the same bed as you for 15 minutes. How’s that for a kick in the nuts?

And we’re back to the club. Sammi is drunk and falling all over the place. You know you’re a hot mess when Deena tells you to slow down. Sam tries hitting on Ron. Ron wants none of it, tells her off, and walks away. So now Sammi is not only looking and acting like Deena, but now she’s being treated by men like Deena. Did she learn nothing from that breakfast intervention a few scenes ago?

Back at the apartment, Mike invites the chick he slept with earlier back over. Deena sits on Pauly’s lap, but he once again excuses himself, thus finally ending the worst 60 minutes of Deena’s life. Well thank goodness for her sake there doesn’t have to have any more jokes written about her; she’s been through enough already.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Sam tells Ron she loves him and wants to sleep with him. The episode then ends with possibly the greatest quote in the history of this show. A quote so good, that I won’t even follow it with a joke because anything I say can only ruin it. Ronnie tells the audience: “F*** me in the ass with a spiked bat. I’d rather not do that.”

…oh wait, I’m sorry that wasn’t Ron talking about Sam; that was Pauly talking about Deena.

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Jason