JERSEY SHORE – 8/12/11

Written by:
Jason Rappo

Just wanted to start out by thanking everyone for the overwhelmingly positive feedback on the first column. I do read all the comments here and I appreciate them all — positive or negative. Two things I wanted to respond to before we get to week 2:

1. Yes, it’s “Deena” not “Dina”. I rushed through my proofread last week and that thought totally slipped my mind. To be fair though, I think “Dina” is the more widely used spelling of that name. Using 2 “e’s” in Deena is probably like the equivalent of girls who spell their names with “i’s,” instead of “y’s.”

I had a joke planned for the end of that, but then the light bulb flashed and I realized that J-Woww (speaking of ridiculous names…) spells her name “Jenni”. Clearly that’s not just a coincidence. Don’t you love when life imitates art?

2. I didn’t actually fast forward through any dialogue last week. It was just part of the shtick. However, I will not joke about it in the future. I don’t want people feeling cheated that I may have skipped parts of the episode. While it’s true that I don’t really care for this show, I still take this gig very seriously simply because I do love to write. Why else would I have auditioned and subsequently agreed to this? It’s certainly not for the pay. I have no agenda for writing on this site. I just like to write; simple as that.

I actually wrote a way longer response than just that, but then deleted it because I really don’t feel like arguing with the people who are too stubborn to realize that me not liking the show in no way should hinder my ability to make fun of it. If anything, I think it helps it, but hey that’s up to you if you want to recognize that. For those of you who did email me, left a comment here, or are supporting me through reading me for the second straight week, thank you. I hope to return the favor to you by complaining about all the things that bothered me on this show and mocking them for my own amusement (that was sarcasm, for those of you taking this too seriously).

We start this week right where we left off last week. Snooki and Mike are continuing their charade. Deena is trying to bite Pauly’s lower lip off as he laughs his ass off. She wants to have sex with him. Pauly acts all unsure. He confides in Snooki that he doesn’t want to do it because it would hurt Deena’s feelings if he brings other girls home after sleeping with her. Of course, what he really meant was, “No thanks, my dude. She looks like the love child of Rhea Pearlman and Cousin It. I’d rather stick my penis in a contaminated blender, speaking of which, have you seen Jenni with an ‘i’ anywhere?”

As luck would have it, Snooki had seen Jenni with an “i”, as the two were discussing exactly what she and Pauly had just discussed. They were both afraid that Deena would catch feelings for Pauly the same way Snooki caught feelings (**cough**) for Vinny. It was hard to pay too much attention to the conversation since Jenni’s nipples were sticking through her dress and she was having an upskirt moment. I may joke around about that theory about girl’s who spell their names with “i’s,” but Jenni is really not doing those girls any favors tonight.

Pauly meanwhile is busy dancing with another girl. Deena pulls him off to tell him they were leaving. Pauly was begging Vinnie in the cab ride to have sex with Deena for him. Vinnie quickly changed the subject. Instead they discussed the debt crisis and what it means for their vast portfolios. No, just kidding, they both laughed hysterically at the idea of having sex with Deena. She’s really getting the shaft from this episode’s edit…which is good because it doesn’t look like she’s getting the shaft from anyone else tonight! Hey oh!

Back at the crib, everyone is doing the whole drunk idiot routine. Deena is falling over. Jenni talks about wanting to take a piss in public. Then, at the strangest time, we get this scene where Ronnie is on the phone with some girl named Hannah from back home. Hannah’s back-story is that she’s a friend of Ronnie’s who is helping him cope with Sammi. I mean really? He needed to call her immediately after getting back from the club in Italy? You get back to your apartment: Deena is falling all over the place; could crack her head open. Jenni is threatening to piss on the floor of YOUR apartment. How is your first instinct to call a “friend” who is in a time zone that is 6 hours earlier than you asking when she’s going to come visit? Was that really that urgent? Take care of your stuff at home first, dawg. And what f****** nerve you have to put poor Hannah on the spot about when she’s coming to Italy! How much do you think a plane ticket to Italy from New Jersey costs? Like $2000? How the hell do you expect Hannah to afford that on what I can only assume is some sort of cocktail waitress or stripper’s salary? You have some nerve!

Everybody goes to bed alone. Deena comes into Pauly’s room after dark. She attempts to wake him up for sex. Pauly, however, is a heavy sleeper and she couldn’t wake him up no matter how many times she said his name. Finally she left, so Pauly – who it turns out is not a heavy sleeper after all — opens his eyes to make sure the coast is clear. Man, the producers are just giving it to Deena in this episode…I guess somebody had to! I’ll be here all night, folks. Remember to tip your waitresses.

Pauly is back with the grenade horn, which he has still not come up with a better name for yet. He takes Deena, Mike, and Vinnie out to go food shopping. They can’t figure out how to shop for food because so many things are in Italian. Honestly, how many times are they going to run the story this season of the gang getting into trouble because of the language barrier? It’s getting old, fast. Really? They couldn’t figure out which one was shampoo? I guess they’re just not used to shopping for shampoo that doesn’t have a tiny comb that comes with it.